awakenings
by Sg1Trooper
Summary: Sam starts to realize the effect of her decisions affect others not just her and the consequencse that come with her saying yest to Pete.
1. Default Chapter

How had our lives changed and turned upside down in such a short time?

That's what I've been contemplating here sitting on his deck taking a swig of the Irish whiskey I had found in his liquor cabinet.

Wondering how events in our lives had changed everything between us.

I guess it started with me. I had decided to take a chance at love with someone else even though deep down I knew I was in love with him.

The same Him I could never have. The Him that kept me awake at night and the Him that I would walk through fire for and not ask for anything after in return.

But things changed, life changed.

It started on the Prometheus. The time I was missing in the gas bubble alone on the ship thinking I had been abandoned. I knew he was out there searching for me. He wouldn't give up until he found me, of this I was certain. He would do anything to get me back like I would if it were him here in my place.

My mind started to play tricks on me while I was lost in space. I thought I saw a little girl, she said her name was Grace, she showed me things in my life that I could not face. I saw my father tell me I deserved to be loved.

Didn't He know I was loved? Loved more deeply and unselfishly than anyone could begin to comprehend. A man that could never be mine loved me. But as long as we had this invisible wall between us it  
could never come true.

Didn't he know the consequences we would have to pay if we ever crossed the wall to give in to feelings we had suppressed for so long? It was frustrating to me. Everything I wanted was there in front of me within my reach so close that I could taste it. But I knew we couldn't do it. We couldn't give into our cravings for each  
other. We were good soldiers we would protect the earth from the scum of the universe. I snorted boy did that sound corny but it was the truth we wouldn't falter in our duties too much was at stake.

Appearing next was Daniel, trying to get me to see the beauty of the whole gas cloud experience that I've only seen through a telescope and Teal'c talking in riddles and tell me that I had to stay awake and all was not as it seemed.

He came last. I knew he would show up eventually. I was exhausted by then, not caring anymore if I was saved or not. Calling him Sir and asking him if he was there to give me a pep talk. He chided me, telling me even in my own mind I thought of him as Sir. That one word was what kept us apart. Snapped us back to reality when  
we strayed too far when we caught each other's eyes and longed for more.

He was dressed casually in sandals and the blue shirt I had seen at the mall and on an impulse bought it and wondered how he would look in. I said I'd save it for his birthday but it came and went and it  
was still hidden in my closet. I told him that I would quit if I knew he would be there. I wanted to hear him profess his love for me. I wanted him to say he would give it all up for me too. But I had to remind myself that these illusions were talking to myself. Jack would never ask me to quit, however deeply he loved me. He would only want me to be happy and he knew the SGC was what made me happy. He said he was my safe bet and that my dad was right I deserved to be happy. Was it what I wanted to hear?

That I could go out and have fun and expect him to stay off the market until I made up my mind? Was he freeing me of his love so I could decide what was best for me? I took another swig of whiskey. The burning sensation that had assaulted my throat earlier was gone. I must be really hammered if I couldn't feel it trickle down my throat. Why was I here at his house sitting on his deck looking up at the stars and going over the biggest mistakes in my life?

My brain answered because this is the last place they'd come and look for you at. No one would expect to find you at his house. I sat back and leaned on the railing looking up at the stars. When did our  
lives become so complicated?

I saved the Prometheus and its crew big time. I remember waking in the infirmary and as sure as the sun would rise he was there waiting for me to wake. It was comforting to see him here. I called him Jack,  
he looked like he was about to fall of his stool and said

"Excuse me."

I gather myself and used our safe word.

Sir.

He regained his composure and chalked it up to the concussion I had received for my lapse in calling him Jack. Why did I call him Jack? Did I want him to tell me that he felt lost when he couldn't find me like I did the time he was with Maybourne?

That he searched the universe for me but nearly died when he came up empty handed?

Did I want to profess my feelings for him to break the walls that we had so carefully constructed? No, I chickened out and let it go, went back to being a good soldier and pulled out the Sir card. He made his usually attempts to make me laugh and even promised me cake. I smiled and told him thank you, and he had that puzzled look he gets when I stump him, and he asked me for what and I just said nothing.

He left me then taking my hand and giving it a squeeze before he left the infirmary. I held on longer than I should have and he looked up to see me staring at him. Why didn't I tell him there and then what had happen between us? Why didn't I recreate the kiss that was floating in my mind and see if it was as good as I thought it would be? I let him go in more ways that night. That night was the beginning of our end.

My brother had set me up with a friend of his. I was so against it. If you thought about it, how pathetic to have a sibling set you up on a date. The date was with Pete Shanahan a police officer from Denver.  
I kind of like the ideal of him not being so close and if things didn't work out we wouldn't be bumping into each other in Colorado Springs.

So we decided to meet half way for both of us for dinner. I was about to cancel on him not wanting to take the next step of actually getting a life.

But I was lonely. Teal'c had gone to visit Ray'ac. Daniel was also off world with SG-6 and the Colonel went up to his cabin. He didn't invite me this time, which took me by surprise. I told myself if it wasn't working out I'd ditch the guy and make my way to Minnesota and surprise him.

But things did work out. Pete was everything the Colonel wasn't. He was easy to talk to. Gave me the attention I craved. He had told me about his past and his family and he made me feel free. Our first kiss was not fireworks but it did stir me and he fulfilled the need for human contact that I had long craved for. Somewhere in my head, a bell was ringing, telling me that I was going too fast, that human contact was one thing, starting a relationship was another. That once Pete had told me his life story, he didn't have much to say, and that  
we didn't know where this could end up, spending a lifetime with someone you were attracted to because you didn't have fun for 7 years was something to consider. But I remember that I cowered, even then, and I told myself that I was happy to have someone who cared about me, who made me feel like a woman, who made me believe I was the center of the attention in his life. I chose safety over risk, safety over love.

So we started to see each other every time I was on leave. He started to pry into my job and it was getting old hearing him say that I should be open with him that I knew everything about him but I still had not given him the same amount if information. I told him my work was confidential and there were things I could not discuss it. He let it go but every few days he would start again.

Pete was angry with me one evening. He shook me awake and was sitting on the side of the bed. It was late and I had woken up in a cold sweat.

He asked me who was Jack?

I looked at him and asked him what did he say and he angrily pulled my arm and asked me who was Jack and Daniel?

I yanked my arm back and said they were my team and why was he asking. He said I had called out their names in my sleep and I had pushed him off the bed when he tried to wake me. He was angry and I  
tried to soothe him but it was no use he did not believe me. I had a long day ahead of me and couldn't be bothered with him, I told him so and he got out of the bed and went to the spare room and slammed the  
door.

I woke up the next day and he had made me breakfast and apologized for his behavior of the night before. I forgave him when he said he only wanted to be the only man in my life. I smiled and said I was sorry for not mentioning the guys before. It was good to wake with someone to talk to in the morning. I made it to work and was caught humming in the elevator by him. He knew there was someone else. I could see the hurt in his eyes and he tried to down play it. He said he was happy that I had finally gotten a life. He left me in the elevator and as the doors closed I could feel him slipping away from me.

Having the man I'm sleeping with crash our surveillance didn't help. The next morning Pete and I argued again this was tearing us apart but that changed when he followed me and witnessed first hand what I  
did for a living. The Colonel was livid. Our security protocol was breeched. I though I was in so much trouble and that he would never forgive me. But he went to bat for me with the General and had actually gotten Pete  
clearance to hear what I did for a living even though it was a light version of it. Pete was recovering from his injuries and listen to what I could tell him. Afterwards, he kissed me and said that he was happy that he now knew what I did and knew that there was more but he understood that I could only say so much. I thought I had heard a noise behind us and turned but didn't see anything but knew who it was.

I left Pete to rest and went in search of the Colonel. I found him leaving, we were given a week down time and he was on his way out. I thanked him again and he just nodded. We stopped in front of the elevator and waited. He would not look at me. He must have seen Pete and I kiss. That must have hurt him but there was no way to undo what I had done.

The doors open and he stepped in and I followed. He asked me shouldn't I be with Paul. I smiled and corrected him and said his name was Pete. This was one of his evasive maneuvers he used to shelter himself from being hurt using humor or making himself look dumb. I knew his tricks, they would not work with me but I let it slide.

I asked if he was all right. He said he was fine. I grabbed his arm and turned him towards me and asked him again and looked into his eyes. What I saw tore me apart. I could see the coldness, the detachment of himself to the whole situations. I gasped and let go. He whispered he was okay and that he was happy that I had found someone to love me that I deserve that and more. I was about to answer him when the doors opened and he walked out.

I followed him out of the mountain and waited to see what else he would say. He got to his car and turned to look at me. He asked was there something else I wanted to say. His sadness almost engulfed me. Was he asking me to choose?

I was confused. Here in front of me was the man I had loved since I walked into the mountain and in the mountain was what I thought was a safe future with Pete. I stepped back and told him to be safe and to  
have a good time at his cabin. He stared at me and gave me a smile that didn't reach his eyes. He told me to tell Paul bye and got into his truck and left. He gave me something that he had never before, incomprehension. He didn't understand what I saw in a man who had sneaked up on me, who could have caused a tragedy by his actions, who seemingly didn't trust me enough to let me do my job and accept what  
I was telling him, and most of all, love me for who I was and just believe what I said. Could I have been that wrong about Pete? Or worse, could I have been so wrong about myself? I shook my head and told myself I should have seen that huge red flag waving at me that day. Pete didn't trust me but still I continued to  
make excuses for him. Why? Why did I feel that I should stay with this man when all I was doing was hurting the man I truly cared about? It was getting cold out on the deck so I went back inside his house and started to rummage through his closet. I found an over sized sweater that I had seen him wear I pulled it over and was  
overwhelmed by his cologne. I closed my eyes and pictured him in this sweater. I climbed back out and sat back down on the lounge this time and took a swig out of the bottle of whiskey and continued my walk  
down memory lane.

Things were strained after that. We all felt it. I was moving forward and leaving him behind. I was exploring new avenues while he stood back and watched. Teal'c and Daniel could see us drifting apart and had made comments to both of us and wanting to know if there was anything they could do to help. What could they do? Re-write the regulations so I could be with the man I want. I decided to take a break from the situation.

I asked to go to the Alpha site to help dad out with the new weapon to defeat the Super Soldiers, little did I know that I would be running for my life trying to stay conscious and to keep one step ahead of the soldier that was sent to kill me.

I was scared. I actually saw my life flash in front of me when the soldier came up from the dead and pointed his weapon at me. I closed my eyes and there were all my regrets, the regrets of not being able to be with Jack. I waited for the final blow the one that would take me away from the man I loved. But he came and saved me. When I heard the first shot I looked up and there he was. I moved toward him trying to get to him. I fell behind the boulder and he continued to shoot. He asked me for the crystal. I didn't say a word and handed it to him he loaded it and blasted the soldier to hell.

I was so tired and so happy that he had come for me. After the last couple of days I thought he wouldn't come but he was here. I asked if it was dead and he called out to Teal'c who said he was dead. I relaxed, my leg was throbbing, my vision was going blurred and all I wanted to do was pass out. He asked me if I was okay and if I wanted to get up. I told him to give me a minute. I wanted to cry right there and then I had almost died this was the closest I had ever come to meeting my maker. I was lost in thought and I looked up to him.

He was contemplating what to do. He said the magic words "come here" and engulfed me in a hug that made me feel safe and secure. I leaned into him and closed my eyes. I wanted this for so long that it felt so right. He started to run his fingers through my hair. How many nights went by with me wanting him to do this? Why did I start dating Pete when this was all that I wanted?

I started to nod off and he shifted a little to make me more comfortable. He held me close as Teal'c came to stand by us. He whispered to him to call back to the base to tell them that the soldier was dead and I was in need of medical attention. I could hear the rumbling in his chest when he spoke this was so soothing to me.  
Here we were, two people together forgetting the rules for one second and it was so worth it.

I sighed to myself and pulled the sweater closer to me. I tried to fight the tears those memories evoked in me when I wanted to tell him I was sorry for running away from him that I should have been more patient and waited till we could be together but the coward in me couldn't give up what I thought was what I wanted. But what was it that I wanted. Jack or Pete; which one did I really love?

I remember waking in the infirmary and my dad telling me that he was leaving and not knowing when he would be back. Daniel had filled me in on what was going on since I had been gone. The Jaffa and Tok'ra alliance was hanging on by a thread and dad needed to go back and see if he could mend the fences that had been broken.

He left me then and I felt so alone. I waited for Jack to show up but since he let go of my hand when we went through the gate I had not seen him. Janet told me that he was debriefing the General and my dad but my dad had come to see me and had already left. Where was he were we back to the way things were before? I needed him right now I need him to tell me everything was going to be all right.

I need to hear one of his corny jokes. I waited but he never came. Janet took me home and got me comfortable. I had to settle for her to make me happy again. She asked me what was wrong and started to ask if things with me and Pete were good. I told her things were great and that I was a lucky girl to have  
found a guy like Pete. That I was a fool to think I could find someone better. Janet saw right through me and told me that I was only fooling myself and that if I didn't see that I was just going through the motions then I was as blind as the Colonel.

I looked up and she kept speaking reminding me that she was there during the whole Za'tarc testing. She knew how we felt about each other and it was too bad that we couldn't act on it. She asked me there and then point blank if I loved him.I tried to skirt the issue but she wouldn't let me and asked again was I in love with my CO. I told her about Pete but she wouldn't stop. I feign a headache and she went to get me my meds.

Before she handed them to me she said that life was too short to always wonder what if. That if Pete was what I wanted to settle for then she would support me, but she knew that my heart would always  
belong to Jack. I tried to deny it but she said I could deny it till the day I died.

She remembered what he had said and what I had said. "You two are star crossed lovers never to fulfill what is supposed to be. It's right there in front of you, within your grasp. Sam, live a little, what can you lose? He won't say no."

That was our last deep conversation. My best friend was telling me to screw the rules and jump my CO.

I laughed aloud and raised the bottle of whiskey to the sky and yelled out, "this one's for you Janet, if only I had taken your advice none of this would have happen. I hope you're getting a big kick out of this mess I've created." I swallowed down the liquor like it was water wanting to forget but it wasn't helping.

I thought of that day the day I almost lost him the day my dearest Janet died. I remember seeing him get hit. Everything started to move in slow motion, I screamed out to him and ran wanting to reassure myself that he was all right, that god wouldn't be cruel and take him from me. I reached him and saw he was breathing, I hooked my hand to his vest and started to pull him to safety. Teal'c covered us and once we were safe I started to pull at his vest to see to his injury.

I thanked god and the scientist at the SGC for creating the new vest, the same vest that had saved his life. I heard a Daniel on the radio crying out for a medic, chanting 'no' over and over again. I looked at Teal'c and tried to contact Daniel to find out what was wrong. He said one word. Janet.

I felt a coldness encircle my heart. I tried to ask for more details but I already knew. Was it my fault, did god let me keep the Colonel and took Janet instead? I let out a cry that woke the Colonel. He grasped my hand and I looked down at him with tears in my eyes. I tried to speak but all I did was burst into tears. I let go of him  
and told Teal'c to make sure he was safe and left. I had to go to Janet to try and reverse what I had done. I heard him call out to me but I needed to get away, I needed to see my friend. The battle was over and I found Daniel next to her. She was staring up to the sky. I dropped my weapon and kneeled next to her. I took her hand and Daniel woke from his stupor. He had tears in his eyes, saying the blast came from nowhere, that he thought they were safe and the blast had come from no were. I listened and said nothing we both stared at her and one of the medics came over to us he closed her eyes and Daniel started to sob. I stood up and went over to him and took him in my arms. I tried to soothe him but I was hurting too.

We sat there for what seemed like hours til' Teal'c came and told us it was time to go. They had put Janet on a stretcher covered her face so all that was showing was the top of her head. Daniel moved to the side of the stretcher and took her hand and started his trek back to the gate. I was still sitting there I looked up at Teal'c and his outstretched hand. I took it and he lifted me up. I asked where the colonel was.

He said he was on his way back to the gate. I had to find him. We had lost a close and dear friend and I was through tempting fate. I was going to resign and profess my love to the man I've wanted all along.

I started to run to the gate. I heard Teal'c yell at me to stop but I wouldn't I had to do it now before I lost my courage and let it slip through my fingers like all the other countless times.

When I got to the gate all the injured personnel had been transported through. Teal'c reached me and asked me what I was doing. I told him what I should have done a long time ago. We were stopped by Colonel  
Dixon and asked to accompany him to check the parameter. I had to follow his orders and nodded yes as did Teal'c. By the time everything was secured I had started to think about the situation and thought it out and my doubts had started to resurface. What if he didn't want me any longer? What if I had done too much damage between us? What about Pete? I walked through the gate resigned to let things stand as they were.

That day was one of the most trying I've ever had to live through. I had to tell Cassie that her mother was dead, killed off world saving the life of a fellow soldier. She took it hard. I comforted her as much as I could. Daniel and Teal'c had been there when I told her. They were wonderful, I remember Teal'c taking her hand and Cassie with tears in her eyes asking why had her mother died. Hadn't she suffered enough losing her birth mother and now the woman who had loved her unconditionally and welcomed her as her own? Teal'c with  
all his years of wisdom comforted her like she was his own child, taking her in his arms and letting her cry till she fell asleep. Daniel was inconsolable also. Berating himself for not telling Janet his true feeling for her. He had decided the bottom of the bottle was where his solution to the pain in his heart laid. He had drank too  
much and said too much. Telling me that I should put all my doubts aside to tell Jack how I felt and not to wait. He said it could have been him also we would be mourning right now if it hadn't been for the new vest he was wearing.

I looked up to the sky and sighed. Daniel was drunk that night but he was right, I should have told him right there. I left Cassie in the capable hands of Teal'c and went to the mountain and waited till he woke up.

I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes and trying to chase the cold with the bottle of whiskey I held in my hands. That was a hard night for all of us.

I remembered telling Daniel I would be back and went in search of my destiny. I remembered getting to the mountain and being bombarded by the cameras and that annoying director. I went to the infirmary to check on him and to ask if he had regain consciousness. Dr. Warner said he had not but he should recover nicely. The vest had done its job. I asked if I could visit with him and he said only for a little while and left me alone with him. I sat there and watched his chest rise and fall. I covered my mouth with my hand to stop my silent  
scream. I had almost lost him and I could feel the pain in my heart.

I closed my eyes and all I remembered was seeing him fall. I opened my eyes quickly and shook my head. I took his hand and started to tell him what was in my heart. An hour later I was exhausted. I had told him everything that I had hidden from him and he was still there. He did not disappear like he had in my dreams but then again he was unconscious and had not heard my confession. I stood over him whispered in his ear that I'd always love him and kissed his lips softly.

I walked out of that room promising myself that I would break it off with Pete and do everything in my power to be with him. He woke the next day and was released from the infirmary. I went to see how he was. I walked into the room and it looked like he was having difficulty putting his shirt on. I tried to put on my soldier face and asked how was and how lucky we were that the staff blast hit him where it did and the new vest inserts did there job He mumbled that it hadn't help Janet much. My façade started to break. Just seeing him again brought everything I had said to him yesterday back to me. I agreed with him and whispered that it hadn't. He could see the emotions on my face and tried to change the subject asking about Cassie and how she was handling the whole situation.

He was avoiding me. That hurt more than watching him fall the day before. I tried not to cry and took a deep breath and said she was a strong kid and she would survive. He changed the subject again and asked if I was speaking at the memorial. I couldn't speak and just nodded. It was now or never, I took a deep breath and only managed to say our safe word.Sir

I just wanted to tell him right there. I wanted him to know but I knew I couldn't do it we were both vulnerable right now and he would think that I was using Janet's death to tell him how I felt. I could feel the tears fall and turned away. He came to me and I looked at him everything I felt for him shone in my eyes. He saw it and said  
come here.

He pulled me into his arms and I melted into him holding him like he was my life line I felt him turn his face into my neck. I felt his warm breath and I closed my eyes letting my tears fall. I wanted this, I wanted more. He held me and soothed me telling me everything would be all right, that he was here and he would always be here. Had he seen through my facade? what was he aware of ?

You don't deserve him my mind screamed at me. I snapped at myself and agreed I didn't deserve him. Why didn't I follow my heart? Why did I have to have meet Pete and ruin things for us?

I spoke at the memorial service and he held my hand all the way, I knew it would work between us, he had been supportive and there for all of us. Cassie had every intention of being at the service but the whole situation had become too much for her and she had a panic attack. She started to hyperventilate and was taken to the infirmary.

Dr. Warner insisted she rest and said the shock of the service might be too much for her. The Colonel asked if she was up to going to the service and she burst into tears and said no she had been a nervous wreck and thought she'd pass out if she had to go through the whole service. She asked him if she was a bad daughter for not going and he comforted her and said no, that Janet would understand.

After the service we all decided to go to the Colonel's house since it had more bedrooms and more room. We needed to bond to help us all grieve and get over our loss of Janet. He said he would pick me up  
since there was no need to have 4 cars at his home. I agreed and went home to pick up some clothes and Daniel took Cassie to her home to do the same.

I remembered packing my bag and going to the kitchen. I poured me a glass of wine and another. I waited for him. I was going to tell him everything. I heard the door open and waited in the kitchen, he came up behind me and I felt arms around my waist, I held my breath, I closed my eyes and turned around. I kissed him and he held me tight. I wanted more and he started to back us out of the kitchen. I didn't hear the door open and only felt someone else in the room, I opened my eyes and into the eyes of Pete.I pulled back and looked at the door to see Jack. I could see the coldness, sadness, and hurt creep back into his eyes, he tilted his head down, when he looked up, subtly nodding in reprobation I understood that he thought I hadn't learn anything from the past weeks. He cleared his throat and apologized for not knocking. He had something in his hand but he put it in his pocket. I wanted so badly to know what it had been. Pete started to speak and asked Jack what he was doing there.

Jack looked at me and I started to explain to Pete what had happen the last couple of days. I told him about Cassie and how we were needed to help Cassie cope with her loss. I asked him what he was doing here. He explained he had time off and had wanted to surprise me since I had not returned any of his calls. He annoyed me. He had just ruined everything and the worse part was that Jack had caught us kissing again.

Jack said he would tell Cassie that Pete had came unexpectedly and he was sure that he, Daniel and Teal'c would be able to help her through this time. He didn't even give me time to respond and left. I saw the door closed and any chance of us ever being together close also.

I started to feel bad and Pete tried to comfort me. I started to cry and he held me. If he only knew why I was crying he wouldn't have been comforting me. I was crying for all the injustices in the world for taking my friend for the damn rules that kept me from the man whom I just hurt.

I made it over to the Colonel's the following day without Pete, who was not happy that he was not allowed to bond with my friends. I think he knew there was something between me and Jack and just wanted to put salt in the Colonel's wound, it was the whole alpha male thing which I was in no mood to deal with.

When I arrived Cassie was cold towards me as was Jack. I could feel him watching me and each time I looked up I could see the sadness in his eyes.

I stayed for a short time and asked Cassie when she was coming home. She said as soon as "he" left. Or better yet could she move in with Jack. I told her no that Janet had made me her guardian and that she  
would be staying with me. I left not wanting to fight anymore and went to the SGC because I didn't want to face Pete.

I groaned and chided myself I had hurt Jack by being with another man, Cassie hated what I was doing to Jack and was taking it out on me. What did I expect Jack to do welcome me with open arms? I needed  
to erase those eyes filled with sadness. I took another sip of the whiskey and pulled my knees up to my chin. His sweater was warm and his scent was what I inhaled. I closed my eyes and wished I had never  
had to see that sadness in his ever again.

We went back to work and things were strained between us again. When Agent Barrett called and said we might be interested in a case he was working on I jumped at the chance to get away from the tension that  
was building. Daniel decided to come along and we went to see what we could help Agent Barrett with. It turned out to be an NID project gone awry. I called the Colonel to update him on what was going on  
and he started to act like nothing had happen and started to tease me again. I never knew how much I had missed this banter between us.

We returned and he invited all of us to his home and the tension was gone and he even asked me how Pete was. That question took me by surprise but I answered him and he even smiled and said he was happy  
that I was happy and if Pete was what made me happy then that was fine.

We had dinner and the subject of crossword puzzles came up I bet him a month of cleaning his home that he could not complete it correctly by tomorrow. He smiled and said I was on.

I laughed at the way he came in to the mountain that morning late and how Daniel told me he had spoken to him and tried to get his help. I was waiting for him at the elevator and he had that aloof look of his like he had all the time in the world. I chided him saying the fate of the world was at hand and he was late because he wanted to finish a crossword puzzle. He said it was double or nothing, remembering I had up the ante to two months of cleaning.

I stood up and stretched. My back was killing me from sitting out here in the cold and I wanted to get the kinks out of my back. I felt my head spin and sat back down. Every spiraled out of control that day, we had gotten a tip of another repository and we went to investigate.

He sacrificed himself again and downloaded the ancient's library again knowing what it would do to him. He left the mountain that day wanting to get his things together and wait for the inevitable. I started to work in my lab but all my thoughts were with him. I was losing him definitely this time there would be no way to save him our only chance would be the Asgard since we had had no contact with the Tok'ra for months.

I remember requesting to go off world to try and contact Thor. The general gave me permission and Teal'c came along. We went and tried several times to contact them but to no avail. I felt so helpless. It should have been me to take the download, I would if it meant he would be safe. We went back and debriefed the General. I went home after that and came close to going to his house but I was the last person he would want to see. I arrived at my house and there was a message from Pete asking if I was available this weekend cause he  
wanted to come for a visit. I called him and said I was going to be gone for a couple of days and that it was not a good ideal for him to show up. I tried to sleep but couldn't. I ended up going through my photo albums with a bottle of wine and crying myself to sleep.

The next day I woke up got dressed and went to his home not thinking was the way to go, if I started to think what I was doing then I'd never get there. He answered the door and I was tongue tied and said I was in the neighborhood and then blurted out that I couldn't sleep last night. He said I should have called. Another missed opportunity.

He offered me a beer and I said okay. I started to ask question about his ex-wife and he didn't want to talk about it and then I asked how he was feeling and he didn't' want to talk about that. I was just buying time and I changed my mind, I was a coward. I said I should leave that he wanted to be alone and I understood. He said no and to finish my beer and then wait an hour before I could leave.

I smiled he wanted me to stay. I was going to tell him how I felt that I should have been the one to take the download. He asked if I was nuts and he said that I was on of the countries natural resources  
it not a national treasure.

He had a way with words. I smiled. I was about to tell him how I felt but we were interrupted by Daniel and Teal'c.I didn't get to talk to him till we were on the ship on the way to the lost city I found him in the cargo bay and started to babble. I brought up the night before and he stopped me and said he knew. He didn't want to hear anymore.

We defeated Anubis but I lost Jack. He was left in a frozen state to save his sanity. I worked day and night to find the solution forgetting about Pete and everything else all that mattered was to  
get Jack back to me.

I blackmailed Dr. Weir to let me use the ship from the Antartica and Teal'c came along to help me out I started to make small talk but when he asked me about Pete, I froze and changed the subject. We found Thor but I was captured by Fifth. He made me see things that I didn't want to relive. Everything that hurt me in my life he made me replay it over and over again in my mind. My mother's death, my possession by Jolinar, the blood of Sokar and watching Jack being taken as a host by Hathor, and the latest memory of him falling down  
after being hit by a staff blast. I remember begging Fifth to stop I didn't want to go through that again, I cried when his hand came close to my forehead for another assault.

I got up and started to walk and started to take deep breaths to prevent me from being sick here on his deck and in his sweater. Get a hold of yourself Samantha its over he's gone he can't hurt you. That was an experience I never wanted to replay ever again. I gripped the railing and tried not to cry. Why had I screwed up my life? I should had said screw everyone and everything and jumped on him as soon as I had a chance.

I calmed myself down and sat back down on the lounge. I remembered back to how Fifth tried to fool me to think that I was living on a farm with Pete in Montana. I remember Pete saying that was what he wanted to do when he retired buy some land in Montana and live on a farm with me. I recalled smiling at him and saying that was what I wanted also, but deep down I knew I was lying there was no way I was going to settle down with him that was why I knew it was all a lie.He rescued me. How ironic. I was supposed to rescue him and he ended up rescuing me. I saw the spark in his eyes again, my Jack was back. I smiled and wanted to tell him how much I missed him and that I loved him and to never leave me again.

We got back to earth and things changed. They promoted him to General and gave him the position of a life time, he was going to be the man! In charge of the SGC!! I was so proud of him people were starting to  
see what I had seen in him since I first started to work with him. He did something that took me completely by surprise. He promoted me to Lt. Colonel and gave me the helm of SG1. I could see it in his eyes that he did it for lots of reasons. Was it his way of showing me how much he cared and respected me? I'd never know since I never asked.

He took the position and I could see he was having a hard time adjusting to being a diplomat and a leader. I tried to help as much as possible. He started to pull away again. I tried to be there for him but he started to avoid me again. I went back to being the good soldier. We had a couple of missions that went wrong.

Like the one he thought we had been captured by Ba'al. What he must have gone through and the other ones that had one member of SG1 always in danger.

I was still seeing Pete out of loneliness and to have someone to tell me they loved me. Teal'c had gotten permission to move off base and he did. We had a house warming party for him and we all came over to see his new place. His new neighbor was there and she seemed like a nice woman. But things always turned out wrong for SG1. Teal'c was wanted by the police so I called Pete to help me clear his name. He came no questions asked and helped out. I was grateful to him and even Jack got his name right when things were all cleared up. So it came to me as a surprise when Pete proposed to me and I said yes.

Why did I say yes? Why did I gave Pete hope that there was going to be a future between us?

I wasn't going to tell the guys but I had forgotten to take off my ring and who saw it but none other than Jack. I was dropping off some files and I handed them to him when his hand grabbed my wrist and  
looked at my hand.

I remember gasping he was so quick and then he looked at the ring and then to me and back to the ring. He let me go and said that Pete was a lucky man and dismissed me from his office. I tried to speak but  
the President's phone was ringing. I said I wanted to tell him but he just shut me out and started to talk to the President.He avoided me more only speaking to me when necessary and at our briefings. Daniel and Teal'c were in Jack's camp. They both felt I had betrayed Jack and them for not telling them about my engagement.

Things started to go bad between Pete and myself. He started to come more often and even got offered a job position in Colorado Springs. I would be seeing him everyday now. The last straw was when he put down  
a down payment on a house for both of us to move into after we were married. I hadn't even set a date and He was buying a house. He knew. He knew if he didn't get me to the altar soon I would back out and  
he'd lose me.

Then I got the news that tore my heart to shreds. I went in to see Jack to ask him some dumb question when I heard laughter coming from his office I thought maybe Daniel was there with him and knocked and walked in. I was taken by surprised when a tall brunett with beautiful green eyes and a sparkling smile was sitting on Jack's desk with her hand on his cheek.

I almost passed out. I blinked three times thinking I was dreaming. Jack cleared his throat and I turned to look at him. He called me out of my stupor and I said I was sorry for barging in and it looked like he was busy and left. I went straight to the bathroom and proceeded to lose my lunch. I never knew seeing him with another woman would affect me so. I sat there and tried to compose myself.

I had lost him. She was beautiful and looked to have everything together. She was everything I wasn't. Of course he would want her why would he want a tomboy looking Lt. Colonel who only strung him along and never gave up her career to be with him. I burst into tears. I tried not to make too much noise I didn't want anyone to know I was crying for what I had lost.

I went to my lab and tried to work. There was a message from Jack and I didn't want to go see him. I went to the infirmary and told the doctor I wasn't feeling well and he sent me home. As I was checking out I told Daniel to let Jack know I had left that I was not feeling well, something I ate. Daniel was concerned and he walked me to my car. Before I left I asked him if he had known about Jack's new friend.

He filled me in and it pained me that Daniel and Teal'c were worthy enough to know about Jack's private life but I wasn't. I snapped myself out of it. I started to yell at myself in my mind. What do you expect Samantha Carter you kept your love life away from him you threw everything away between you two and you expect him to open up to you and tell you about his love life. It cuts both ways and your one selfish SOB.

I took another drink and could feel the tears falling down her face. I had made her bed and now I would have to lay in it.I found out every thing I could about Kerry Johnson, the woman who had replaced me in Jack's heart and in his life. I started to avoid them. It turned out they had met while on a plane back from Washington. It was around the time he had found out I was engaged. He had moved on since he thought there was nothing left between us. What did I expect? for him to be there for me always? To be there to pick up the pieces and not have a life himself and why did it hurt so much.

I had a major blow out with Pete. I told him that he was going to fast, that a house was a major purchase and that he had gone behind my back to do it. I told him I needed space and he flipped saying that he was making all the changes in our relationship and that I had not changed at all. He said that he loved me and that's why he was willing to do everything he could to make me happy. I started to feel suffocated by him and told him that I needed time and space to think. I left with him cursing and yelling at me that he wouldn't be there when he got back and where was I going, the General had a girl already, that he had moved on and that he would not be there to pick up the pieces.

His words hurt me but they were the truth. I had hurt both of them and still I expected them to wait for my decision.I went to see Jack, I needed to know if he still loved me. His answer would either change everything or leave things as they were.

We argued, he told me that he had taken my lead and moved on. I felt my heart shatter and started to tell him if I gave Pete his ring back and resign from the SGC what would he say. We never finished that conversation Kerry interrupted us and invited me to dinner. I tried to leave but she insisted.

She knew there was something between us. The way she looked at me and scrutinized everything I did and the way I looked and acted towards Jack. The phone rang and he went to answer it. When he was out of  
the room she started in on me.

She said that she knew I was the reason that Jack would not commit to her and that I was the reason he would never be happy with anyone else. She called me selfish and said that if I cared for him that I would let him go.

I whispered back that there was nothing between us since the regulations would not allow it and she just snorted and said she had heard all the rumors about the way I had strung him along only to advance my career and that once I got to were I want to be, I had left him for a younger man.

"You give women a bad name and I for one will fight you for him. He has so much to give and you had your chance. I will not give him up you can bank on it. I'm not going anywhere," Kerry hissed at me.I stood up and went up to her and let her have it saying that I worked hard for every one of those promotions and I deserve them. I asked her what made her think that she was good enough for Jack and I knew what kind of man he was and that I would never stand in his way to find happiness.

That's how Jack found us and when he asked what was going on Kerry became the damsel in distress and accused me of assaulting her. I was in shock and hurt when it looked like he believed her. I got up to leave and told him to believe what he wanted, that I was not going to stand around and hear anymore of her lies. He grabbed my arm and I started to pull away when he yelled at me to stop acting like a child and listen to him.

He told me my father was at the Academy Hospital. I gasped and started to ask 20 questions. He started to drag me to the door to get me to the hospital. I asked him to let me go and that he didn't need to come along it was none of his concern. He called me Colonel our other safe word and said that they had requested us both to come immediately. Kerry came along also. I took the front seat and I could see she was fuming through the rear view mirror.

We arrived and I climbed out of the truck and ran to the emergency room entrance to look for my father. Pete was there and I was surprised to see him here. He said Daniel had called my house looking for me and when he saw Jack following from behind he yanked my arm and pulled me to the closest wall and asked what the hell was I doing with Jack. I tried to pull away but he only gripped it harder I yelped in pain and Jack came behind me and grabbed Pete's hand and got me out of his grip.

I looked between both of them and walked away to go to my father. He had crash landed at the Groom Lake Facility and had asked for General Hammond, Colonel Jack O'Neill or me. They found out who he was and he was transported to the Academy Hospital under heavy security. His injuries were severe. Dr. Warner was called to check on him I went in and he was hooked up to all this tubes and machinery.

I took his hand and started to cry. This wasn't good, it meant he was severely injured and that Selmac could not help. Dr. Warner told me what was wrong with him he did not give him much hope of ever recovering, the injuries were that severe. I started to caress his face and realize if my father died I had no one. I was leaving Pete after his last tirade. I had had enough of his insecurities and his mistrust. One Jonas in my life was enough.

I needed to get out, I needed to breathe. I told my father I was sorry, I couldn't do anything for him and left. I walked down the hall only to bump into Pete. He had calmed down, and apologized to me. Kerry had said she was at Jack's and that I had been having dinner with them when the General had gotten the call from the  
hospital. He asked how my father was and I told him not well and there might be a chance he would not recover. He said then it was a good thing he had contacted Mark. I turned to him and said what. I started to yell at him why had he done that, Mark wouldn't be able to come up to this floor. Hospital security and I wouldn't let him. I told him he shouldn't have interfered.

He grabbed my arm again and started to yell at me saying he was only trying to help and that he was tired of me always pointing out all the bad things he did and that he would not tolerate this type of behavior once we were married. I pulled away from him, took the ring off my finger handed it to him and told him to leave. That was his final straw he called me a teasing bitch and slapped me in the face with such force I fell back  
against the wall and then to the floor. I heard a growl and then someone yelling and what sounded like a punch.

I got up to see my ex fiancé being punched by my CO. I got up and tried to pull them apart. It had no effect on each of them and security was called. I had to leave. I ran out of the hospital not caring what happened to me I grabbed a cab and went to my house. I got on my bike and rode away. I made it to his house and broke into his home. I sat on his couch and then went through his liquor cabinet and found the whiskey. I went to the kitchen and found some ice for my face. I was going to have one nasty bruise, but it was done, Pete was out of my life another sad chapter in the life of Samantha Carter.

So that was why I was here, I needed somewhere to be alone, somewhere were they wouldn't find me. I moved my bike to the backyard and sat up here on his deck and looked up to the stars. I started to drift to  
sleep.

I was being shaken awake and I asked for five more minutes of sleep. I was upset at who ever was waking me from dreaming of Jack and I fishing at his cabin.

I was grabbed by my upper arms and shaken again and then I heard the voice.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

I looked into the angriest eyes I had ever seen. I whimpered to please let me go and he did and sat in front of me and waited for me to answer.


	2. chapter 2

Awakenings

Part 2

Where the hell was she?

I've been searching for her for the last couple of hours and it's like she disappeared. This was so not like her. Why did she run? The Samantha Carter I know would never runaway she would face any situation head on. But then again I haven't known what has been going on her head for sometime now. With things spiraling out of control between us I never thought I would see the day that she would run from her problems. The Samantha Carter I knew would never had let the bastard hit her.

I gripped the wheel worrying that in the state of mind she had left the hospital she might hurt herself or worse be involved in an accident. My hands started to hurt I could see my knuckles were raw from the punches I had inflicted on Paul.

I corrected myself. His name was Pete, I had to remember it even though I hated this name that had change everything between us.

I wasn't sorry for beating him up I'd rather enjoyed it. It was hard to control the rage I felt. It was like everything I had been holding back was unleashed on him but he deserved everything that I had dished out. He dared harm the woman I would die for. The bastard dared to hit my Sam. I was planning on making him pay for that but now was not the time. I needed to find her and get her back to the hospital before it was too late and she would have to live with the guilt of not being there for her father in his last hours.

This day had started out good I was taking a couple of days off going up to my cabin to go fishing and I was going to try to start a life with Kerry.

I was loading thing into my truck and waiting for Kerry to arrive from the airport when there was a knock on my door. It was Sam. She looked distraught I asked her what was wrong. She said she was sorry for all the pain she had caused me. That she was wrong for trying to find happiness with Pete when she knew she could only be happy with me.

She turned to me and asked "Jack, if I gave up Pete, broke off my engagement and retired from the SGC would you find it in your heart to forgive me and give us a chance to finally take it out of the room," she whispered to me and took my hand.

I was taken aback. This was everything I had wanted to hear from her for so long. That she did care for me. But was it too late. Was she doing this because I had found someone else? Was she just toying with me so that I could still be her back up plan if things with Him didn't go right?

I stepped back and I saw her flinch. I didn't know what to say. I was angry. I walked away and looked outside. What did she want from me? She had moved on I was moving on and now that she wasn't the center of my universe she comes running back to me and professes her love. No. There was something missing her something that had made her come to this decision.

I asked her why she was doing this. That she had made the choice for both of us when she started to date super cop. I told her I only wanted her to be happy and it had turned out to be with another man and even though it hurt I did not stand in her way. I told her it wasn't fair to me or Kerry. That life was like that you couldn't change it on a whim.

I knew I had hurt her with my words but I didn't care. She was the one that had initiated this whole thing she should be made to suffer the consequences of her actions. I said that I was sorry things weren't as she wanted but dammit I was tired of waiting in the wings and I only took her lead and found someone new.

She said she was wrong to have given up on our love but she wanted more then I could give her.

I threw my hands up and said that was not my choice it was her decision to leave it in the room that I was more then willing to bend the rules to be together but I had respected her wish and then threw at her that we had made a silent vow to wait till we had finally defeated our enemy but it had been broken when she decided to get a love life.

She was angry now. I didn't care she had hurt me and now that someone other than an alien women had found me attractive she wanted me back. No thanks been there done that.

I told her she should leave, that Kerry would be here any minute and that we were leaving for the cabin at first light.

She gasped and tried to stop the tear that had escaped her eyes. She knew what going to the cabin meant. I had asked her countless time to come with me but she refused each and every time I had asked.

* * *

I remember looking for Carter after she had left her father's room. I knew she would have taken this hard, I turned the corner of the hallway to see this bastard yelling and shaking her and then raising his hand to strike her across the face. The blow was so hard she was knocked to the floor but she didn't fight back. My rage took over. I let out a roar and launched myself at him. I knocked him down, dragged his body and proceeded to pummel him with my fists with the firm intention to hurt him.

Teal'c and Daniel came running after they heard the bastard yelling for help. Teal'c came behind me and pulled me off of him I was struggling to get out of his grip and Daniel was yelling at me to stop. In a way, it was a good thing I may have killed him if they hadn't stepped in. Kerry went to help pick Pete up and to see if he was okay and the look she gave me was full of fear and disgust. For a second I wondered what I could have found in this woman, she so wasn't Sam. She had condemned me before even getting all the facts.

I yelled at Daniel and told him what Pete had done to Sam. Teal'c let me go and let out a low growl and proceeded to finish the job I had started.

He knocked Pete to the ground and was yelling at him of the many ways he would avenge his friend's injuries. Daniel pulled Kerry out of the way telling her she had better call security because he was about to start beating Pete as soon as Teal'c was done. Security came, as did a doctor to check Pete out and transport him to the emergency room Kerry went along not wanting to be with us in the mood we were in.

How long had he been doing this to her? Didn't the bastard know that people would kill him for hurting her? Thinking of how long this might have lasted I felt nauseous, he was violent with her, with the only person I cared about, and whom he should have cared about. He said he loved her, he had proposed to her and he had hit her. I should have killed him when I had the chance. There was no excuse for striking a woman or child in my book it just wasn't right.

I looked around and found that Sam had left without letting anyone know where she was going. One of the nurses saw her get into a cab and we called the company to see were she had been dropped off. They had taken her to her home and I went to see if she was okay.

I stopped on the side of the road and called Daniel for an update. I told him I had searched her house and found her bike missing. I called the SGC and told the SF's to be on the look out for her. Daniel said he had gone to every places he thought she might be.

Teal'c had just called him and said he was on his way to the airport to pick-up Mark. Petey boy had called him to tell him his father was in grave condition and might not survive the night. Mark had hopped on the first plane to Colorado Springs and would be arriving soon.

This could have been a problem but I had called the President and had given him a watered down version of what was going on. He had given me permission to let Mark see his father but he had to have one of us with him at all times. He said to tell Carter that she and her father were in his prayers and that he hoped all would turn out all right.

Daniel said he was getting worried and wondered if he should call other hospitals since we didn't know the extent of her injuries. I was silent. I wanted so badly to go back and hurt Pete more but calmed myself and told Daniel that was a good idea, I was going to call the Colorado Springs Police and have an APB put out on her. He agreed and asked me to call him if and when I had found her.

I hung up and started to massage my right hand.

Where are you Sam? Your father needs you right now and you decided to runaway. Where things that bad in your life that you couldn't ask for help? I chided myself and thought why would she come to you ? and why do you care?

I covered my eyes and answered out loud, 'you care because you've been hopelessly in love with her for the past 8 years and you hate to see her this way."

Love, how that word could either make or break a person.

If only she loved me as much as I loved her. But why would she? My mind responded, "she did once, or maybe you thought she did. You blew it Jack, she's moved on".

Everyone loved Sam. From every single tomarried man at the SGC to Narim, that nerd looking alien from Tollana, Marty the Tok'ra, the glowy light guy, hell, every freakin alien we had come into contact with was in love with her. I snorted and thought that even Thor had a thing for her.

So why do you care O'Neill? I asked myself? You've had every opportunity to do something about it and you haven't. The bullshit line you feed each other of the war against the Goaul'd, the regulations always an excuse.

You were the one that kept telling her to get a life, pushing her away from you, saying it was best for the team and when she finally does get a life you just stand back and let that weasel take her away from you leaving you alone again and with only yourself to blame. What did you try to prove by hitting him? That you were her guardian angel? If so you should have told her you loved her and you'd have avoided all this. You wouldn't be running around right now looking for her.

I started my truck and went to Janet's house maybe she was hiding out there. I started to think and wondered when did we grow so far apart, when did she stop caring?

* * *

Things started to change when she went missing in that gas bubble thingy on the Prometheus. I had felt my life had ended when I received the call from Hammond telling me that Carter and the Crew from the Prometheus were overdue 16 hours from checking in. He asked me to come in from my week down time to see if I could help them figure something out.

Emptiness was what I felt and questions started to float around my head.

What if we didn't find her? What if the ship had blown up in hyper drive and I never got to tell her how I felt. What if she was hurt and trapped on that bucket of bolts and was calling me to help her.

I started to curse at myself. Why did I let her go alone? I should have come along to keep her company. Why didn't I just hog tie her and finally take her fishing with me?

I got to the mountain in record time only to have Danny come up to me and brief me on what was happening. He had suggested we go to planets that were in the route the Prometheus was taking to see if they had crash-landed there. I asked if they had been stranded on any of those planets then why they don't just use the Stargate to get home.

Poor Danny didn't have an answer for me but I went along with his theory, it was better than anything I had heard so I was willing to hope that maybe she was okay.

My hope was wavering after our 7th time through the gate with no word or any signs that she had been there or if the ship had crash-landed.

Danny asked if the Tok'ra had come up with anything. The General said that they had completed a trace of the route the Prometheus had taken and had come up empty handed. I stated if they stayed on course if not then what. No one could answer me so I left.

I started to close everyone off from me. I needed to cope and I was doing a bad job of it. My patience was wearing thin and I was about to explode. I was feeling helpless and needed to do something. Teal'c followed me to our locker room after the last bust. I told him I didn't want to hear it but still he stood and waited.

He began to talk and told me how Sam had felt when I went missing with Harry. He said she had felt helpless and could not cope with the thought of never seeing me again. He said she had been upset and had clung to him and cried on his shoulder.

She cried for me. Why? I tried to figure it out but didn't get a chance. The Prometheus had contacted the SGC to let us know that they were on their way back but were stopping at PX345 to transport Sam to get treated for her injuries.

I was happy we had found her but was worried about her injuries. It turned out to be a concussion but she would recover from it. The girl had brain cells to spare so she would be just fine. I felt relief. She was safe and I swore that I would keep a closer eye on her and if she decided to go off world again she would have me tagged along whether she liked I or not.

I sat with her in the infirmary just staring, enjoying the quiet time together. I was sitting close to her and had taken her hand. She had dark circles under her eyes and it pained me to see that. If I could I would take her place. Janet had walked in on me holding her hand. I let it go and jumped back not wanting to be given the third degree as to what I was doing.

Janet just checked her vitals and said nothing. I grabbed a stool and started to play with my yo-yo. She told me she should be waking soon and if I had anything to get off my chest now would be a good time. She walked out before I had a chance to respond. Was I that transparent? Was my heart hanging on my sleeve? I let out the breath I was holding and sat back down not wanting to strain our fine line between love and duty.

Sam started to stir. She saw me and said the one word that could always undo me.

Jack.

Whoa! She called me by my first name. Where did that come from? Should I get Janet or were we about to have that long overdue conversation when I profess my love and give it all up for her and retire.

I blurted out « excuse me? » and waited to see which way she would take this.

She seemed more coherent and said she was sorry and whispered our safe word.

Sir.

I quelled down my disappointment and said that a concussion could do that to you.

She started to ask how long she was gone and I went on one of my Carter like explanations to make her laugh and she said Sir again.

I answered her and said it was only 4 days. I wanted to say the 4 longest days and nights of my life but I held my tongue. Once again, thinking about it, I shouldn't have, we were alone, she was receptive, I'd been so worried that my heart was ready to burst out of my chest. But I didn't. and from that moment on things started to go awry.

I told her about the shindig that Teal'c and Daniel were planning and there was talk of cake.

She smiled, God how I missed that smile and added it was my idea. I got up to leave, needing to put space between us before I made a fool out of myself and grab her and kiss her and other things. I asked if she need anything magazine, yo-yo, me?

She said no that she was fine and right before I left she said thank you, I came closer to her and asked for what and she said nothing. I wanted to know what that meant but let it go and responded to her to think nothing of it. Why? What was the risk?

I left her alone then and went to see how the plans for the party were going and to tell the guys that Sam was awake. The party was a success. She had a great time and the cake was excellent. I was just happy to be in the same room with her and to hear her laugh was all I needed to keep my torch for her burning.

I got to Janet's and made my way inside. It looked like no one had been her for sometime. I looked in all the bedrooms and came up empty handed. I went to the mantle that had pictures of all of us. I picked up the photo of Janet, Cassie and Sam they were in the middle of a giggle fit. I outlined her face with my finger and wished she had not had to endure the past year. I took the picture and left. Marking Janet's house off from my list of places to check I got into my truck and went to the cemetery to see if she was there with Janet.

Things started to go back to normal after the whole Prometheus thing. No signs of Anubis or his Super Soldier and Daniel and the Tok'ra were making great progress in developing a weapon to kill them.

Carter seemed more relaxed and I had even caught her daydreaming once. I didn't pay to much attention thinking she was contemplating a new doohickey.

But things came crashing down around me when I was riding the elevator with her and she started to hum.

My heart nearly stopped. I could feel the bile rising to my throat and closed my eyes as I felt the coldness sweep into my heart.

I opened my mouth and the word that came out was humming.

She looked startled and said was she and I told her she was. She apologized but didn't say anything.

I knew I would regret the next question but I had to know if my gut instinct was true.

I asked her what was his name and she tried to cover it up and I said humming again.

She looked at me and I wondered if she could see my heart breaking. She said his name was Pete and that her brother had set her up. She said he was a cop and said that the whole situation was pretty pathetic.

I thought the only pathetic thing around here was me, having seriously thought that she could have been interested in an old broken down man like me. She said it was nothing serious, was she trying to let me down trying to save this old mans feelings. I retaliated and sarcastically said that it was hum worthy so it must be something. She tried to explain but I told her it was none of my business I put on my brave face and said it was great and that I was happy she had finally gotten a life.

The doors opened and I got out needing to get away from her. I could feel her staring after me but I didn't turn around, I had no right to. I had given up those rights when I refused to follow my heart. What I had to do was trying to cope with it, accept it. Since I hadn't been able to spit out my feelings, I had to behave. At first, I didn't quite succeeded, I went home and got drunk.

I had lost the reason I had used to still be at the SGC. Didn't we decide to keep it in the room? It was like a promise for the future. We can't act on our feelings now but in the near future when we get rid of the Goaul'd, we'd be together.

In every alternative universe we were together, but this one... I should have retired and proposed to her that same day. I'd lost her to another man who was probably younger and carrying a lot less baggage that was what kept floating around in my mind.

I kept my feelings to myself, willing me to go along with it and pretending it didn't bother me. We were getting ready for the stakeout and I asked how was Pete was, being the glutton for punishment that I was and just love to twist the knife that was now protruding from my back.

She said that she thought he could be the one to understand her job and what she did if only and she left it at that. I knew she didn't understand what her words were doing to me but my heart broke a little more that day and I decided to let her go to let her find her happiness and if it happen to be without me then I would have to accept that.

I nearly blew a gasket when I found Loverboy outside of our stake out trying to shoot at Osiris with his gun. He could have gotten Sam killed trying to come rescue her.

Come to her rescue, what a joke, she never needed any help, she could take care of herself, and if needed, I was there, she didn't need that nosy stalker. I found out later that the bastard had followed us to Daniel's and had been staking us out. He had to know what Sam did for a living. When he was hit she looked terrified. I pulled out my cell and called for help while she tried to make him comfortable. I called Hammond and told him the situation we were given clearance to bring him there he was given security clearance since he had been witness to Osiris.

I finally got to see the other man. He was younger than me and looked like a nice guy. I wanted to talk to him and was on my way to his room when I was nearly floored at what I saw.

There in front of me was Sam kissing him. I felt sick to my stomach, I turned quickly and bumped into the door, I needed to get out of the mountain, I needed to breathe. My poor heart could only take so much.

I was almost to the elevator when she came upon me. She wanted to thank me for getting Pete clearance so she could explain what we did. I couldn't speak and just nodded. I couldn't look at her. I would crumble if I looked at her lips, the same lips that had been kissing another man. These same lips I had kissed once, in a loop that now seemed like it never had existed.

The doors opened and I stepped in, she followed. I finally got the nerve to speak and ask if she shouldn't be with Paul. She smiled and corrected me telling me his name was Pete. I asked if he was all right and she said he was fine. She grabbed my arm to make me face her.

This surprised me, she asked if I was all right. I couldn't let her break through my defenses. She asked again and looked into my eyes with hers. I couldn't mask my hurt, I heard her gasp and she let me go. I turned to face the elevator and whispered to her that I was happy for her that she had found her happiness, that she deserved so much more. The doors opened and I walked out.

She kept following me and wanting answers. Hell Sam ! you're the smart one, you know I wouldn't cross the line, and now that you've found someone else, I need to keep my distance. A week at the cabin would do that I could drink myself to oblivion each and every night and try to erase her kissing him from my mind. At least I could try.

I didn't find out till later that the bastard had done a background check on Sam. Hammond had been alerted by Agent Barrett that someone had been inquiring about Sam, Daniel and me. They found the agent who had done the inquiry and he had fess up that Petey boy had asked for the information. Hammond asked me how I wanted to proceed with this and I said that he hadn't find anything on us and I didn't want to hurt Sam anyway. This could put a barrier between them and I told him we should just wait and see.

Things were strained after that. I avoided her at all cost. I would find out her routine and made sure I was not anywhere near her. Danny and Teal'c started to notice but before they could say anything she asked to go to the Alpha Site to help out her dad with the new weapon to fight the Super Soldier. Hammond gave her the okay and I felt relief knowing she would be off world and not with the bastard. I was jealous. That had never happened to me. I couldn't stop thinking about her, whatever I did, wherever she was. And knowing that onweekendsshe was with him, in his arms, accepting his kisses, giving him her body was driving me mad and sick. Being away from him for some time was in a way comforting. I could go and see her and he couldn't. that was my last privilege, having her for me off world.

We got word that Anubis and his Super Soldier had attacked the Alpha site. My heart was lodged in my throat. Was she safe? Did she get to the beta site?

We got to the Alpha site and were struck by the amplitude of the destruction. I needed to find her to make sure she was safe. I started to pray in my mind and promise God everything I had only to have her back safely. Even if it was not for me. I preferred to have her alive with him than not. I mentally blocked the word dead from my mind. She was safe somewhere.

We split up and we set out to search for survivors. Reynolds let it slip saying who could survive this. I wanted to slap him but only gripped my P-90 and walked towards the trees.

We found Jacob and he told us what we already knew, Anubis' Super Soldiers had attacked. He said he had the weapon that could kill them but Sam had the power unit. I asked him were she was.

What he said tore me to the core. He said he didn't know where she was or if she was still alive. I let out a ragged breath and told him not to worry. I would find her and bring her back safe. Jacob nodded and thanked me. I told Daniel to get him back to the gate and to inform Hammond that Teal'c and I would be continuing the search for Carter.

Crazy thoughts were running through my mind. I needed to find her, I needed to tell her that I cared for her. I needed to rescue her and keep her off world. My heart couldn't take the stress of not knowing if she was safe.

When we heard the explosion, we ran toward it.

I came over the ridge and nearly fell. There she was, hurt, dirty, a dazed look on her face. I was about to call out when the Super Soldier rose and was facing her ready to shoot. I saw her close her eyes and accept her fate.

I started to shoot, as did Teal'c. The Soldier was distracted and that was all she needed. She made her way to some boulders, I followed suit. I started to shoot with the weapon Jacob had given me and when it didn't work I asked Carter for the power source, she handed it to me without saying a word.

I killed it and was happy when I did. It tried to take away my life, my only reason for living, my last chance at happiness.

She asked me if it was dead. I asked Teal'c who confirmed it and I said yeah. I asked if she wanted to get up.

She looked like hell, there was a gash on her leg and it looked like she had another head injury. I had to remind her to start wearing her helmet again. We couldn't have her brain scrambled any more or we'd lose vital information. She looked ready to collapse.

She did something that I never expected.

She asked to rest a minute. I was in awe. Here was a perfect opportunity to tell her how I felt but I was afraid to cross our invisible line. She looked on the verge of exhaustion and I made up my mind, I told her to c'mere,and she did, without hesitation, she just melted into me.

I was in heaven. I was giving comfort to the woman I loved. Yeah I said it, I love Samantha Carter. She snuggled closer and closed her eyes. I ran my fingers through her hair like I always wanted to. I came close to kissing her but Teal'c came over to see what was the delay.

I told him to contact the SGC to tell them the soldier was dead and that Sam needed medical attention. He gave me a raised eyebrow but I chose to ignore it. I didn't want this to end so I waited a little longer, knowing the medical team would be coming. I looked down to see that she had fallen asleep. I came back to reality then. She needed Pete to comfort her not me. He will be there for her and help her heal. I started to get up and she didn't stir. By the time I stood up the Medical team had gotten here. I had fooled myself again, fooled my heart. Of all men around her, why would she need me when she had Mr Right back home ? Resting on a colleague's shoulder after a hard time was a normal reaction, she didn't uttered any word to me or acted like she needed something more than a little comfort.

They took her back to the SGC and I decided that I would not cause any waves and stayed away. I just checked in on her when she was sleeping. I had come close to ruining her relationship with Pete and I had to stop my selfish self and let her pursue her happiness. I debriefed with both General Hammond and Jacob.

I was filled in on the breakdown of the Tok'ra and Rebel Jaffa alliance and blamed the Tok'ra for leaking out were our Alpha base was. Jacob denied it and I said I didn't want to hear it. I left the briefing room and was getting ready to leave when Jacob came to say good-bye.

He asked me for a favor. He asked me to keep an eye on Sam. He said that she had seemed not herself at the Alpha site. I waited to see what else he had to say.

Did Sam tell her dad about the new boyfriend? He chimed in saying he thought it had to do with Pete. Jacob had met Pete the last time he was on Earth, said he was not impressed and that Sam could do better. He was too clingy like Jonas use to be and it seem that Sam was only going through the motions.

He said he wanted his little girl to have a normal life but he also wanted her to be happy.

I knew there was a reason I loved Jacob. I played dumb and asked what did he mean. He started to point out little quirks that he had seen. He thought she was running away from her problems, following the will of a man that was giving her what she wanted, what she had missed for so long, and that her judgment was, maybe, clouded by this rediscovery of love, without seeing the consequences and wished he had more time to investigate what was really going on in her life. I said that I'd keep her safe and that if anything happened I would be there to protect her.

Jacob did something that nearly floored me.

He asked me if I loved his daughter. I turned red and opened my mouth and gave him a great impression of a fish.

He smiled and said he knew it. He then asked me why I never did anything about it. Again I was speechless. How could I explain to him what I couldn't to myself? What it was to be a loser, who preferred tostand on the sidelinesthan making a sane decision.

He came close to me and said that he knew about the regulations and he new we would never cross that line that we were too good of soldiers and he knew I would never do anything to harm Sam's career. But he said there was a time when rules are made to be broken and that I would have his support if and when I decided to profess my love for his daughter.

"You are not what I had in mind for a son-in-law Jack, hell you're too old for her but I see the way you look at her. It's the same way I use to look at her mother and I know you would never harm her. But if you did Selmac will personally deliver you to Anise and tell her to experiment away."

I snorted and whispered thanks. I told him that I thought I was too late, that what he'd said was true but Sam's new beau was everything I wasn't and that I don't think she cared for me. Jacob shook his head and said that I should follow my heart and if his daughter refused me then she was a bigger fool then he thought.

He left with me contemplating what I should do. I loved her and I had gotten permission from her father to pursue this. I needed to think. I left without seeing her. If I had gone to her I would have gotten down on my knees and proposed to her right there. Told her I never wanted to feel as helpless as I had these last couple of months and that I loved her, that if I had waited too long I would understand and not stand in her way for finding happiness.

I made it to the Cemetery , pulled to the curb. I had bought some flowers from a vendor at the gate and was disappointed when I didn't see Sam's bike anywhere around. I got out of my truck and went to visit my friend.

I placed the flowers next to some that were almost dying. Sunflowers must have been Cassie's. She knew how much Doc had loved sunflowers. I knelt down and started to talk to Janet explaining to her everything that had happen and asking her to keep an eye out for Sam. I said I wished she was here, that she would have shown Sam what a bastard Pete was and would have warned her about this psycho. I left in search of Sam wondering were else she could be.

I got back into my truck and my phone rang; it was Teal'c saying he was at the airport but Mark's plane had been delayed. General Hammond had just arrived and said he would wait with him. He asked if I had found her, I said no, that I was running out of places to look for her. Teal'c said he understood and then handed the phone to General Hammond. I briefed him on everything. He let out a curse when I told him what had made Sam run and I asked if he could see if the bastard was still in the ER. He said he would then would get back to me. He suggested Hunter's Ridge, it was by the mountain and she would go there to work or think sometimes. I thanked him and said I was on my way.

I started my truck and headed out to Hunter's ridge.

On the way to the ridge I thought of Janet again. Her loss was a blow to all of us at the SGC but especially to Sam and Cassie.

I shook my head and thanked my lucky stars that my vest had protected me from the staff blast that had almost ended my life. It took me by surprise. One minute I was rushing to knock off a Jaffa soldier that had gotten to close and the next I'm on my back with my life flashing in front of me.

The "what ifs" that had held us back sprang into my mind. What if I didn't want to keep it in the room? What if I had retired ? would we be married by now and have little O'Neill's causing havoc? What if I don't survive this and I never got to tell her what she means to me?

I started to drift off, I heard her cry out in anguish "Sir", my good little soldier, I'm dying and she still can't call me Jack. I want to laugh but the darkness starts to engulf me. I could feel her. If I make it through this I'm going to have to reprimand her for almost getting herself killed trying to get to me.

Pain. That's all I feel. Her small hands are pulling me to safety. She's strong. I try to open my eyes but can't. I'm fighting a losing battle. I don't want my last moments with her like this. I want to see her smile not crying over a fool that could never have her love.

I heard her cry out. I opened my eyes hoping that she has not been hit. I pray to god that she's okay. I grasp her hand and she looks at me with tears in her eyes. She doesn't look hurt so, are those tears for me?

She bursts into tears and I try to shake the bleariness in my brain. She runs off and I call out to her. Something wasn't right and I needed to go see what it was. Teal'c came to me and informed me that Janet had been hit.

My fault.

That's the first thing that comes to my mind, if I had shot the soldier that was going towards Janet's and Daniel's position… I closed my eyes and asked how bad. Teal'c doesn't answer and I know. Our sweet Janet would not be walking through the gate ever again. One child was motherless again. One best friend would be in mourning and would have to take the responsibility for said child. And three men would have to be there to pick up the pieces while trying to mend their own hearts.

I was lucky, a couple of bruised ribs that would heal, but dealing with this loss that was so close to home. I did a lot of thinking those days in the infirmary. I wasn't getting any younger. I had to think of the future. I had almost lost Sam twice in only a couple of months. SG1's luck was running out.

I made up my mind to retire and profess my love to Sam. Tell her that I didn't want to lose her, that my life would end if I ever did. I would tell her that I was tired of living alone and if she could find it in her heart to love me I would cherish and protect her till the day I died.

She came to see me while I was dressing. She had her soldier face on and asked how I was and how lucky I had been that the staff blast hit me were it had. I stopped and mumbled a lot good it did Janet.

I saw her wince and berated myself for opening that wound again. I changed the subject and asked how Cassie was doing, she said she would survive. She looked like she was about to lose it but came up with our safe word again.

Sir.

I stopped and waited to see what she would say. I saw tears running down her face and her turning to hide them from me. I wanted to tell her she didn't have to hide, that I understood how she felt and that this whole situation was so unfair.

She turned back around and I was taken aback at what I saw shine in her eyes. She was telling me she loved me but couldn't do it with words. I tried to speak but the only thing that came out was « come here. »

That was all she needed. I pulled her into my arms and she melted into me. She hung on to me for dear life, she was crying and I could feel the tears on my cheek. I wanted to kiss her so badly I turned my head into her neck and inhaled her scent. She always smelled clean like a newborn baby. I whispered to her that I was here, that I was not going anywhere and we would survive this. She didn't say a word, maybe I didn't say it out loud but it was what I was thinking.

We held each other for hours. I never wanted to let her go. I had made up my mind, I was going to Hammond's office and retiring, tell him that I couldn't fight what I felt for Sam any longer and I wanted out while I still had the chance to have a normal life with her.

She spoke at the memorial service. It was hard for her but I was there every step of the way, when she would seem lost in her thoughts I would bring her back to reality. I was there for all of them, they needed me as much as I needed them.

Cassie was so brave, I was so proud of her and when she had her anxiety attack before the service I told her if was okay if she didn't come; her mother would understand. I suggested we all stay at my house to bond, I just wanted to spend more time with Sam. I missed our times together and I was going to fight for the woman I love.

The nagging side of my brain was saying: what if she doesn't love you in that way. What if she only wants you as a friend? You're going to ruin your friendship if you profess your love. I didn't care. I was going to lay my emotions on the line, let her into my heart and hope she'd feel the same way.

I gripped the box in my pocket. It had been there since yesterday when I went to the jewelry shop to pick it up.

I was going to throw caution to the wind and give her two gifts: my letter of resignation from the SGC and an engagement ring with a note asking her to make me the happiest man on this planet.

She went home to pack some things and I was going to pick her up, I was going to do it at her house today and see what my future held.

I got to hunters ridge and started to look around. I went to her favorite rock that overlooked the valley. She wasn't there. I started to walk down one of the paths and tried to forget that day I walked into Sam's house.

The door was open and I was about to call her out and I had the ring in my hand when the rug was pulled from under my feet.

There she was kissing Pete. My heart dropped to my stomach and I stepped back. I was going to leave but she looked up from her kiss and I didn't have time to mask what I felt.

Coldness, sadness, emptiness, incomprehension, disappointment.

There would be no future for us. It was only an old man's dream that a brilliant, young beautiful woman would want to spend her life with such a loser. If ever I needed a proof, she just had given it to me, and in the most fiery way.

I put the ring back into my pocket and started to apologize for barging in and that son of bitch asked what was I doing there.

I looked at Sam and she explained what had happen. Something bugged me, if he was so important to her, then why hasn't she told him of the most traumatic thing that had happen in her life, the loss of her best friend. She used little words to explain to Paul that Cassie needed her and us to help coping with her loss. She asked what he was doing there and he said he had gotten some time off and wanted to spend it with her.

I left, telling Sam I would explain to Cassie that Paul had come into town and that we would be able to handle any emergencies, I turned away, not giving her any time to object. I cursed myself for being such a fool.

"You are so out of your league with her O'Neill, give it up. She's found someone else, stop being a doormat, get on with your life and stop behaving like a teenager."

I got to my house and Daniel looked like he had cleaned out the liquor store. I grabbed a beer and Danny poured me a chaser and we toasted Janet. He asked me what had happened to Sam and I told him Paul had came into town and she wanted to spend time with him.

Cassie seemed upset. She said that she didn't like Pete, that whenever Sam was at their house he would constantly call her to see what she was doing.

We sat around and started to watch TV. Daniel passed out and Teal'c was into the Twilight Zone marathon.

I went outside to my deck and started to star gaze. I didn't hear Cassie come up the ladder till she was behind me with her hand on my shoulder.

I asked her how she was doing, she just shrugged her shoulders. She sat on the lounge chair and started to shiver. I sat next to her and opened my jacket. She snuggled closer and thanked me.

She started to talk about what she was feeling. She was scared we would all be taken from her and used Sam as an example.

"He has her and he isn't the type to share Jack. What's going to happen to me? will I be thrown out? Will he be a wedge between our friendship. Why can't she see that he's so wrong for her? When will she see that you two are meant to be together and you when are you going to tell her you're crazy for her?"

This wisp of a girl just explained my dilemma in one sentence. I hugged her and said it was complicated, that she should accept Pete as part of Sam's life but if he ever did anything to harm her or hurt her feelings, she'd let her uncle Jack know and I would take care of the problem.

She laughed but then quieted down and started to sob saying she missed her mother so much that she wished more than anything she was here with her. I held her and rubbed her back telling her I wished the same thing, but I was here for her always, no matter what.

Sam came to my house the following day and I couldn't stand to see her. It just brought back what I had walked into the day before. Cassie was cold to her when she asked her when she was coming home. She answered as soon as Pete would leave and then asked if there was anyway she could move in with me. Sam looked at me and I couldn't hold back what I was feeling, I could see the hurt in her eyes but I didn't care. I wanted her to feel a piece of what I was feeling. She left to go back to him and my heart closed her off a little bit more.

* * *

Ikept walking until the path ended but no signs of Sam. I decided to go to the park that she and Cassie used to go to. I got into my truck and headed out. It was getting late and I still had no clue were she was. I recalled more of the past months and how I had literally shut her out of my life or tried to. Yeah, tried to. I've always been good at hiding my feelings, a real pro. Too much of a pro.

Things were strained between us. She was called away to Los Angeles to follow a lead with Agent Barrett, another one in Sam's long line of admirers.

I had a long talk with myself and concluded that I would never have her, that I was destined to be alone. I didn't want to be bitter any longer so I decided to bite the bullet and be happy for her. When she got back I invited the whole team to my house for a barbeque, even invited Paul. He was out of town and I was secretly glad. But I told her that I was happy for her and if Paul was what made her happy then I was happy for her.

We had a wonderful time talking and teasing each other. Sam and I betted a whole month of house cleaning that I couldfinish a crossword puzzle by the next morning.

I was going to win. I wanted to show her that I wasn't such a dim wit.

I never got to finish that puzzle or got to collect on my bet. We had found a repository of Ancient data and I downloaded it again in my brain.

It sounded like a good idea at the time. Daniel said it should have been him but he didn't see the look on Sam's face that made me do it. She would have done it if I hadn't. She would have sacrificed herself and taken the load.

I couldn't let that happen. I would rather die that have anything happening to her. I did it knowing the consequences, I was the logical choice. No family ties and if I died not much would change, and now I was sure I wouldn't be missed too long. Sam had Pete and her family. Daniel had Sarah, Cassie had all of themand Teal'c had his son and Ishta now. Once again I was the safest bet.

We got back and I requested time to get my affairs in order. I went to see Charlie, telliig him to make room for me, I was on my way. I smiled, at least I had that to look forward to. I went to see Sara and told her goodbye. I went home, checked my will and made sure everything was in order. I then sat down and started to write Sam a letter filled with all my regrets at not have followed my heart and why I never crossed the line.

I went up to my deck and spent the night there. I had made peace with myself and would wait for the inevitable.

She came the next day, she was more beautiful than I had ever seen her. I wanted to reach out, to grab her and smother her with kisses. But I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't scream my love out knowing she would feel guilty loving someone else and I wanted her to be happy to move on with her life and not mourn me.

I was aloof with her. It hurt to be in the same room with her knowing I could not have what I wanted. She asked questions and I shot them down. I was the jackass colonel again.

She got up to leave saying this was a bad idea, that I wanted to be alone. No Sam I don't want to be alone, I want to pick you up and drag you to my bedroom and make passionate love to you before I start talking to you in latin.

I told her to finish her beer then she'd have to wait an hour before she could drive. I was trying to make light of our situation. She said it should have been her to take the down load. I snorted and said was she nuts, that she was a treasure (my treasure) and one of the country's natural resources. She smiled. I stared at her, engraving that look and keeping it in my mind. When things would go tough later I would bring up this image to get me through it.

She was about to say something and I held my breath but we were interrupted by Teal'c and Daniel.

I started to see things and my mind was working overtime. I retrofitted the ship to go faster. I was working on something when she came to talk to me. She was babbling not like the Carter I knew. I stopped her, I knew what she wanted to say but stopped her. I didn't want her to live the rest of her life mourning me so I stopped her, caressed her cheek and told her I knew. I looked into her eyes and there was the proof I needed to know she did love me.

I defeated Anubis and his soldiers that day , and I became the human popsicle.

The last thing I saw was Sam. I wished when I'd woke up that she would be the first thing I'd see.

When I was finally pulled out of deep freeze it wasn't Sam's face I saw but Daniel's, Teal'c's and Thor. I was told she had been captured by fifth and had beenkilled on the Replicator ship. I nearly lost what was in my stomach. I put my best soldier face on and started to work on a weapon to blast that son of a bitch to hell for taking the only thing that made sense in my life.

She had come to rescue me and I ended up rescuing her. When Thor said he'd detected a life sign in our vicinity my heart started to beat again. It had to be her. Daniel started to call out for Sam while I started to run; we split up and when I heard Teal'c yelling my name I ran as if my life depended on it. He had found her and I wanted to get to her and take her into my arms and never let her go.

She looked at me and my world was right again. She was safe and sound but then she said the word that brought me back to reality.

Sir.

I knew we were back to were we'd started; nothing had changed. We got back to Earth and I was promoted.

Did I really want this or did I want to retire? I was contemplating this when I talked to Daniel and casually asked him how things were going since I was gone. He filled me in. When he got to Sam he tried to hide the fact that she was still seeing him.

I made up my mind to throw myself into my career what ever I could do with the limited time I had to show the higher ups they didn't make a mistake in assigning me to be the head of the SGC.

I decided to promote her. She deserved it, she had worked her tail off and it was my last act that I would do for her, my way of saying goodbye.

To say she was surprised would be an understatement. But those sparkly eyes told me all I needed to know.

I had lost her for good. She was happy with the way things were. I had to let go now, let her go, from me, from my mind, from my life.

I buried myself into my job, getting all my reports in order, staying in my office and reading up on all the base's personnel. I had a direct line to General Hammond. He was a life saver and whenever I said I wanted to resign he was there to talk me out of it, telling me to do things naturally then everything else would be simple after that.

Watching my old team leave without me was hard. I wanted to protect her. Protect them. But I couldn't go off world I had other responsibilities.

My biggest challenge was when Ba'al had claimed he had my team held hostage. All the images of what he had done to me came crashing through my head. I had to save them I had to save her.

If I had to sell my soul to the devil I would. I tried to act aloof, even threatened to send our asylum seeking Goaul'd back to appease the bastard, but I kept my cool.

It turned out to be a false alarm and everything went back to normal. The President came for a visit and I even got my picture taken with him.

* * *

My phone shook me out of my daydream. It was Teal'c informing me that Mark had arrived. They were on their way to the hospital. I told him I still hadn't found Sam, I was going to the Park where she and Cassie used to go to. He asked if I had gone to Janet's and the Cemetery, I said I had but found no signs of her. He said he would inform Mark and General Hammond, asking me to call as soon as I would find her. I said I would and ask that he do the same. I was almost to the park when I realize the last couple of months had been the hardest between us. I had to move on because my life had been in such a standstill, if I didn't get moving it would all crash down around me.

I authorized for Teal'c to get his own place off base. He was as thrilled as T could get about having his own place. Daniel and me took him shopping and helped him move in all his new stuff. Carter said we should throw him a housewarming potluck and I agreed only if she would help me with the arrangements.

The day came and all the SGC personnel came to see T's new place. Of course that weekend had to a Pete weekend. He showed up with Sam, my heart shrank a little more. They looked like The happy couple, greeting everyone. I did my best to avoid them. I snuck outafter telling T that an emergency had came up at the base, I was needed.

He smiled and said he understood. I gave him his gift. A year's free rental card from Blockbuster and told him to knock himself out. I left knowing the door that I had left slightly ajar between me and Sam had officially been closed. I had no rights to ask her not to come with him. I just hoped she'd have had a little sense, been smarter than that and kept this party private, an SGC party. But she hadn't. she wanted to show me, show us, that she was Pete's now.

Things got worse the coming week T was accused of murdering his neighbor's boyfriend. T could do what they were claiming.

Sam suggested bringing Paul to help and I was pretty desperate at the time since we had no jurisdiction outside of the mountain and agreed. He came through for us I thanked him for helping Teal'c out.My pride was nothing if it'd helped free Teal'c. My pride…what was left of it.

Things looked strained between them I could see concern on Sam's face. I had to hide my smile. Maybe the door hadn't been closed. Maybe the happy couple weren't happy any longer. back home that day, I wondered how many times I had changed my mind these last months, jumping from hope to despair. Like losers do.

That all came to a crash a couple of days later I was in the midst of gathering information for my quarterly budget report and I had asked Sam for some files. She came in and the first thing I noticed was the ring on her left finger.

Out of instinct I grabbed her wrist and heard the door to my heartshut I had lost her I was no longer the main man in her life; butwas I ever? The question was obvious but I've always denied it. I looked at the ring, then at her.

I let her go saying that Pete was a lucky man and dismissed her. I couldn't say more, I would have lost my lunch right there in front of her. I needed her to leave, I didn't want her to see the effect this was having on me.

Thank God the phone rang. It was the President. She started to speak to explain but I picked up the phone and asked her to shut the door behind her as she left.

The hurt in her eyes almost undid me. But why was she hurt? She betrayed what I thought we had. A vow to wait until we could be together, a vow that was now broken. what did she expect? That I'd take her in my arms and congratulate her? Saying sweet things about the situation?

I finished my call with the President. He insisted that I come to Washington to meet some of our Allies and be a representative of the Stargate Program. I jumped at the chance to get out of the mountain, out of Colorado.

I told Daniel and Teal'c I was leaving for Washington, to keep an eye on the place. I also casually brought up Carter's name. Daniel gave up all he knew. He said he had found out about them after I had and that Sam had handled this wrong. He said, "I thought we were friends and since this is a life altering decision you would think she would let us know and not find out through the grapevine. I, er, I think I can imagine your feelings Jack. I'm extremely disappointed by Sam's behavior toward us, and toward you he pressed my arm and I thanked him.

So it had made it to the grapevine no wonder everyone was being extra friendly to me well I had to show them that I was okay with this and move on. She had, so why shouldn't I.

I went to Washington, shook hands, vetoed the idea of more Allies team joining the SGC and basically got on everyone's nerves. I so wanted to go home but to what? An empty house a fridge full of Guiness? My house was empty. Leaving me alone with a head full of memories. Sad memories. I was wondering why I had hesitated to press that damn trigger, that day in Charlie's bedroom.

I took a commercial flight back. I was seated reading a magazine that hid my Mad magazine. I was chuckling when an attractive woman sat next to me. She smiled and I smiled back. I was in my civilian clothes and she seem to give me the once over. I got comfortable and asked her if she wanted the window.

She smiled and said no but asked if I would share my Mad Magazine with her. I smiled back and said it was last month's issue since I hadn't received this month's yet. She got up, searched her carry-on bag and handed me this month's mag.

Sweet! I said and she asked if she could read last months since she had misplaced her copy. I said sure and introduced myself to her.

Her name was Kerry Johnson and I think she liked me. She laughed at all my jokes and she touched my arms a dozen times. I thought it was a hoax why would this attractive woman want totalk to me? I had let my feelings forCarter interferre with my life that whenever a woman started to pay attention to me I'd run for cover.

It turned out that Kerry was going to Colorado Springs to start her new job. She was going to be on the oversight committee regarding NORAD.

My eyes lit up. I asked her who was she supposed to meet and she looked into her notes and said a General Jonathan O'Neill. I told her I knew him well. She wouldn't like him, he was a hell of a grouch, a reall pain in the ass and everyone hated him.

"oh, really," she asked, quite worried and asked how come I knew so much about said General.

I pointed my finger at me.

She was in shock and said I was kidding. I pulled out my credentials and she started to laugh and asked if I had bought the NORAD line. I winked at her and said no.

The rest of the flight went by fast. When we landed Kerry asked me if there was a nice hotel. She looked at me longingly and I almost gave into my animal cravings but I liked her and said I'd be happy to take her to a nice place close to the mountain. I took her, got her settled and asked her out for a bite to eat.

She made me feel great. She loved sports and hockey was her second favorite sport football being the first.

I drove her back to the hotel and she waited till I opened the door for her. She was pretty but not as pretty as.

I stopped myself I had to remember that this life was over. She called my name and asked if I was okay. I answered I was tired and wanted to get home. I had an early day. She understood, gave me her card with her cell number and said she looked forward to seeing me tomorrow. She leaned close and gently kissed me.

I pulled back, smiled and said Yeahsurebetcha.

I left her and contemplated what had been handed to me. Someone to love. A second chance. She wasn't Sam but Sam had made her choice and maybe I should move on. I had to. Struck of luck or gift from god, she was here. And she was interested in me. I could not let it slip.

When I got back to the base the next day Sam was off world and the meeting with Kerry and the rest went smoothly. I explained details and I could feel her staring at me. I wasn't used to so much attention that I was stammering like a teenager.

Daniel noticed it right away and asked me what was going on. I told him I was moving on. He looked confused, asked me to explain. I told him about Kerry, the plane ride and dinner and our first kiss.

Daniel didn't know what to say. I asked what did he think. I needed reassurance that I was doing the right thing. He smiled and said he was happy for me. If Sam could find happiness with Pete then why couldn't I with Kerry. but I could see something behind his eyes, something that was bugging him. And bugging me.

Things were going great with Kerry I had forgotten the whole dating scene and she made it easy for me. God this woman was a godsend. It was such a new thing to be with a woman who never dressed in BDU's, who was always prepped as if she had an appointmentwith the President, she was so attractive but never showed it.

She would always try to tease me in the most inappropriate places and moments. I'd grown to like that. A lot. That was something Carter couldn't give me. After sometime she'd wanted more but I wanted to wait. She did know how to get me worked up but I couldn't finish the job. She asked point blank one night if there was someone else and I answered no too quickly. I could see the hurt in her eyes as she got up from my couch and said she had an early day. She left but not before saying she hoped that I was not toying with her. That I had made her feel safe and that she wanted so much more than I was willing to give. She asked me to trust her, that she would never harm me.

I kissed her and said I did trust her and that things would change I promised. I began to think that, in sometime I'd be able to forget Sam and totally move on with Kerry, but I still had Sam in my mind, way too often.

I got to the park and went through all the parking lots. I didn't see her bike anywhere. I didn't know where else to search and my phone was ringing. It was Kerry.

She asked if I had found Sam. I said no. She told me that she was sorry for not talking to me before I left. I asked were she was and she said at her hotel then asked me to come to her. I said that I couldn't, that my friends needed me. She said she needed me, I had frightened her with what I had done to Pete. I apologized and told her I couldn't come and asked her to understand.

She said she did. She understood that I was madly in love with Sam and as much as I tried to deny it, she had known the truth as soon as she had walked in on us at my house. I didn't say anything, trying not to hurt her. I whispered she was wrong, that I cared for Sam and maybe I had loved her once but things had changed and I could never break the regulations.

She was silent and said to call her when I had found Sam. She said she had left her purse at my house asking if I could bring it to her when I had a chance. I told her I would and thanked her. Asking me why, I just whispered for nothing.

I decided to head to my house. I'd pick up Kerry's purse and bandage up my knuckles. I remember back to when Sam had finally got to meet Kerry.

Things had gotten pretty intense between Kerry and me at the base she was always close to me and I had come to depend on that.

We were in my office I was waiting for some reports from Siler when Kerry walked in and sat on my desk. I asked what she was up to. She purred she was about to seduce the man in charge.

I wagged my eyebrows and said that would be me. She chuckled deeply and I laughed with her when there was a knock on the door. Sam walked in on us.

She looked to be in shock. Why? She had moved on and what was I suppose to do? Stand by and watch her play house with Pete? Kerry turned around and looked between us. That's when her mind started to work. I cleared my throat and she came out of her stupor. She apologized saying it was nothing important and left.

Kerry started to ask questions. I explained who Sam was. Kerry got up to leave, I grabbed her hand, stood up and kissed her. She grabbed my face and kissed me aggressively. I said « lunch » she smiled and said only if she got to have cake later. I told her she was on.

She left my office and I called Sam right away. I left a message for her to call me but the day dragged on. I was about to go to lunch when Daniel informed me that Sam had left for the day saying she was ill.

That was too much of a coincidence but I didn't say anything. He then asked if I had told Sam about Kerry. I said no, she had not been around and I hadn't got to doing it.

He just said oh and asked me if I wanted to go have lunch I answered him that I had a hot date but maybe some other time.

Things were on a roll with Kerry, I was beginning to have feelings for her. She had to go to Washington but promised to be back in two days. I said I'd be waiting and that I was scheduled for some time off and we could go up to my cabin to fish.

She smiled and whispered that she knew there was no fish in my lake but she had other things in mind we could do to pass the time away.

I was going to commit to her. She was taking me at face value and was still here. I think she even cared for me. no one had done so since Sara. Not even…I swept the idea of her away. Sam wasn't anything anymore. My Future was Kerry, she was the one I had to focus on.

I was getting things ready for Kerry's return. She said she was on her way; I told her to pick up some take out so we could make an early departure the next morning to the cabin. She said that she loved me before she hung up; I told her liar and hung up.

So someone did love Jack O'Neill… I was thinking that when there was a knock on my door.

It was Sam. She looked distraught. I asked her to come in then asked her what was wrong. She started to tell me that she had made a mistake, that she wished she could change the last couple of months.

I couldn't believe she was telling me this. I started to get upset. Her safe bet wasn't there waiting in the wings and had learned that there were other women out in the world than Samantha Carter and now she was telling me that she wanted things to change. I lashed out at her saying I was just following her lead, that I was moving on with Kerry.

I even said I was taking her fishing with me. She looked at me with so much pain that I almost took it back. She took a deep breath and said if she was to give Pete his ring back and resign from the SGC what would I do.

I was in shock. Resign? Her ? resign and give Paul his ring back? I was about to answer when Kerry came into the house and saw us together.

She introduced herself and I took the food from her hands. She insisted Sam should stay and eat.

The woman I had loved for years on one side and the woman that was offering me a future and loved me on the other.

I didn't get to think to much about that because my phone rang.

It was the SGC. An emergency had arose. They were looking for Sam. I said she was there they told me that Jacob had crash landed in Groom Lake. Things did not look good, we needed to get to the Academy Hospital ASAP. I gave them an ETA of 10 minutes and hung up.

What I walked into was something that had taken me by surprise. Sam was attacking Kerry saying what made Kerry think she wasn't good enough for me.

I angrily looked at Sam and asked what was going on. Kerry got up and came next to me saying that Sam had attacked her. Sam looked to be dumbstruck. I gave her a glare saying how dare she behave like this in my house, with the person I was with.

She said she had enough of these lies and if I wanted to believe Kerry so be it. She was almost out the door when I grabbed her by the arm. She started to pull away when I told her to stop acting like a child and listen to me.

I filled her in on the situation with her father. She let out a cry and started to ask questions. She asked me to let her go since this was none of my concern. She wanted to hurt me by saying that Jacob was nothing to me but she was wrong. Two could play at that game and I used my trump card.

Colonel, our other safe word.

I said I wascoming along and since she was in such a state of mind I would be driving. Kerry came along wanting to keep her claim on me and to show Sam that I had someone. Sam took the front seat and I could see Kerry fuming in the back. Being jealous did not look good on her. Maybe there were other sides to her that I had chose to ignore. We got to the hospital and Sam ran in.

By the time I parked my car and apologized to Kerry for messing up our weekend we were inside the hospital. Paul saw me but not Kerry, he yanked Sam's arm and started to demand what I was doing here. He started to cause a scene and I nearly lost it when Sam yelped with pain.

I gripped his arm and started to squeeze till he let go. I so wanted to pound on this cockroach so badly to let out my frustration but now was not the time and place.

Sam ran passed us and made it to her father's room. I was briefed on what the doctor knew about how Jacob had arrived here. The prognosis was bad and I knew Sam would need all of our support. Daniel and Teal'c arrived and I went to brief them I saw the door closed and new Sam had left the room. I went in search of her knowing she would need someone to listen to her.

I found her in the corridor with Pat. They were arguing again. He was violently yanking her arm and screaming at her, but at first I couldn't understand what he was saying. All I knew was that my blood was nearing its boiling point.

She pulled away from him and I saw her taking the ring off her finger and handing it back to Pat, telling him to go away.

He suddenly screamed that she was nothing but a bitch and slapped her full force in the face, so hard that she fell to the floor.

I jumped on him with only one thing in mind: kill him, kill him for what he'd just done.

I started knocking him, as hard as I could. One after another, without a stop.

Sam tried to separate us but I soon heard her run away.

I got to my house and saw her car still parked in the front. I went to my door and was surprised that it was open. I must have forgotten to lock it in the haste to get to the hospital.

I walked in and found Kerry's purse. I walked by my liquor cabinet and it was ajar. My best bottle of whiskey was missing. Okay someone was in my house and it looked to be a kid looking for booze hopefully. I walked into the kitchen and found my ice tray half emptied. Definitely kids. I walked to my patio and saw the door opened slightly. I walked outside and what I found there was not what I suspected.

Her bike.

She had been here all the time. I was angry but relieved. I looked through the house and found nothing. There was only one place else to look.

I climbed the ladder to my deck and there she was, with an almost empty bottle of Irish Whiskey, in my comfy sweater.

What was wrong with her? I wanted to lash out at her. Her father was lying dying in the hospital and she was here at my house drowning her sorrows. I walked up to her and saw the purple bruise on her cheek.

I nodded my head and sat next to her, started to shake her. She fought back. I shook her again and she said to give her five more minutes and she mumbled something that sounded like Pete.

That was it. She needed to get up. I grabbed her upper arms and started to shake her harder. I was angry that she cared so little for us, that she couldn't tell us what the hell had been happenining in her life and I yelled at her.

What the hell was she doing here? Here, at my place.

She looked at me, cringed and started to whimper I held my breath and waited for her answer.


	3. chapter 3

Awakenings pt 3

"What the hell are you doing here?"

I was being shaken awake taken out of my wonderful dream by a very  
angry voice.

Those words echoed in my mind. I gasped thinking for a split second  
that Pete had found me at my Jack's house. For a split second I was  
afraid. Thinking he would hurt me again the sting from my cheek  
started to throb. For a split second I thought I deserved this  
treatment as a punishment for all the mistakes I had made to screw  
up three lives. I started to pull back. I would not be harmed again.

But as I regained consciousness I started to recognize the voice.

It was Jack's. He wouldn't hurt me. He would be angry but would  
never hurt me. This wasn't in his nature, not like the maniac I had  
left behind at the hospital. It was as I ve dreamed, he would be  
there for me.

I opened my eyes and saw the anger there. I had never seen this  
anger focused on me. It was always one of our enemies or someone who  
had crossed him and now I was on the receiving end of this anger.

I let out a whimper afraid to say anything that would upset him  
more. He must have heard me and let me go.

He towered over me. I looked up at him and felt a shiver go down my  
spine. I pulled his sweater close around me and he recognized what  
I was wearing. I saw the anger leave his face and he sat down in  
front of me. I was afraid of what he was going to do. He pulled me  
towards him and hugged me. I was startled. I thought he hated me.  
Hated me for not waiting for him, hated me for turning to another  
man for comfort and love, hated me for accepting another man's ring  
and hurting him in the process.

I thought I had screwed up any chance of us being together. But the  
only man I ever loved was holding me. I clung to him thinking it was  
a dream. I could feel my tears begin to fall. I could feel his  
breath deepening and he whispered: "Are you hurt? Why did you run  
away?"

His compassion undid me and I swore that I would do anything in my  
power to win him back.

The alcohol took away my inhibitions, it was giving me the courage I  
needed to do what I should have done long ago. The way he held me  
comforted me in my belief that the last year had been a terrible  
mistake.

I knew what I wanted. I wanted Jack.

I was going to fight for him. Kerry would not have him. He was  
mine. I needed him in my life, if he still wanted me then I was  
going to use any means possible to have him and the alcohol was the  
last push I needed to show him.

I turned my head, found his lips and started to kiss him. First  
softly, I wanted to savor, to feel the taste of him. Then deeper. He  
started to respond. My mind was fuzzy but I knew he wanted this as  
much as I did. We were lika a time bombwaiting to explode.  
I continued my onslaught, placing small kisses on his face and  
nuzzling his neck. He mumbled to stop but I continued. He turned  
away and became rigid but I continued trying to breakdown his  
defenses. I knew he wanted this I could feel the heat radiate from  
him. I could hear his breathing deep and staggered. He wanted me. I  
started to nibble his ear and started to plead with him to love me  
when he pulled back and said no.

No.

He said no.

Out of frustration I tried again but he pulled away and told me to  
stop.

The more aggressive I got the more he fought back. He pulled away  
and I could see the disgust written on his face.

My heart shattered. I bit my lip to stop it from quivering. I had  
made a fool of myself I had deceived myself into thinking he still  
had feelings for me. I needed to regroup and get away. I stopped  
struggling with him and pulled away. I tried to stand to run away  
but ended up falling onto his lap. He tried to help me but I yelled  
at him not to touch me. How could he not love me when all my  
thoughts, my heart were his? How could he refuse me when I was  
giving him my whole being to him?

I pushed him away and finally managed to stand only to have the  
deck begin to spin. I closed my eyes to stop the spinning and felt  
him encircle my waist with his hands to holdme steady. He asked  
if I was okay.

I yanked his hands from me and said I didn't need his help. That I  
could stand on my own two feet. I didn't want his pity. I was going  
to let him go back to his girlfriend and then it hit me. His girlfriend,  
oh god, I'd lost him and he'd moved on. I was angry and  
lashed out at him.

I started to yell at him and asked what he was doing here.  
He was supposed to be "fishing" with his new girlfriend.  
I turned away to wipe the tears from my eyes.  
I didn't want him to see me like this. I needed  
him to go away. I turned to see if he was still there and he looked  
angry again but I didn't care. After all, I wasn't worth it. If I  
had been worth it then he would have returned my kiss. I was  
offering him my love, I had thrown myself at him two minutes ago and  
I was shot down. I needed to hurt him for the hurt I felt. The only  
man that I would ever love didn't want me, he had turned me down. I  
was heartbroken but it was evident that he no longer wanted anything  
to do with me. I could see the disgust in his face. Or was it pity?  
I wanted him to suffer now. Deep down he would feel how I felt.

The alcohol was giving me the courage to defy him. I wanted to hurt  
him as he had hurt me. I wanted more but he had stopped me from  
showing him how much I loved him. Always my friend never anything  
more I wanted his love but had squandered it. So I did what he did  
best, remove myself from the situation.

I was struggling to walk but started to sway again. I tried to keep  
my focus on him but there were too many of him in front of me. In a  
corner of my mind a small voice was yelling at me toshut up, and wait  
until alcohol effects had vanished. But I was too pissed.

He yelled back, "what am I doing here? The last time I looked this  
was still my house. The reason I'm not "fishing" with Kerry is  
because I've been looking for you all over Colorado Springs as are  
all of Colorado Springs and SGC's finest. You left the hospital like  
a bat out of hell after your little fight with that bastard fiancé  
of yours. He dared to hit you and what did you do? Nothing! You let  
him hurt you at a time when you needed him. If anyone should be  
upset here it's me."

"I should be asking why you broke into MY house, took My best bottle  
of whiskey from MY cabinet and proceeded to get plastered on MY deck  
while your dad lies on a hospital bed and you, his only daughter  
who claims to love him, is here instead of there showing him that you care."

His words stabbed me like daggers. I gasped and moan no. My hands  
flew to my face.

My dad, I had forgotten why I was here on the deck. Why I had run.  
My dad was in critical condition when I left. I knew why he was here.

He was looking for me to tell me my father was dead. I started to  
back up from him and shaking my head no. I let out a cry that turned  
into a repeated scream of no. Jack was trying to calm me down and  
get a hold of me but I didn't want his pity. I needed to leave. I  
turned to climb down and didn't realize how close I was to the edge  
and lost my balance and started to fall.

I closed my eyes. I didn't care if I got hurt. I deserved this. For  
abandoning my father, for hurting Jack for leading Pete to believe I  
could be happy with him, for everything I had done to these men in my  
life. What ever happened to me I deserved it. All I had succeeded in  
was to hurt him again, make him mad at me again, and disappoint him  
again.

Strong arms enclosed me. I sagged against him and heard him cursing  
at me. Yelling out my name asking what the hell was I doing. We fell  
back onto the deck floor. I was trying to pull away from him. I  
didn't want him to see me like this

.  
I pleaded with him to please let me go. I needed to leave that I  
wouldn't be a bother to him any longer.

I had always been in control yet in the past hours I hadn't been. He  
held me tight, not letting me go, telling me to stop it. I was not  
in my right mind and what made me think the solutions to my problems  
were at the bottom of a bottle. He said he thought I was smarter  
than that.

I looked up at him. He had tears rolling down his cheeks. That was  
my undoing. I didn't deserve this man. He was always there to pick  
up the pieces in all of our lives never asking for anything in  
return just always being there when he was needed. I deserved the  
look of disgust he'd given me. I loved him so much, how could I have  
been such a torment for him, when all I wanted was to be with him,  
comfort him take his pain and make it mine. I finally realized that  
was why he did what he did.

I stared at him and wiped the tears from his face, whispered sorry.  
I leaned into him he pulled me into his lap. He rubbed my back and  
let me cry. I held onto his shirt and kept whispering that I was  
sorry for hurting him, for making such a mess of our lives, for ever  
walking through the SGC doors and for being such a failure at  
relationships.

I shook when I cried but he was there to soothe me and tell me it  
was going to be all right. That he was sorry for yelling at me. That  
he had lost his head only because he was relieved to find me after  
searching for so long. He'd been terribly anxious at not being able  
to find me.

I cried into his chest and held tight. I cried for all that was  
buried deep in me, the love I had tried to hide, the raw pain that I  
had dulled with hiding behind the regulations. The choices I had  
made that had only caused me pain, and pain to those around me. I  
was tired of being the perfect soldier/scientist. I cried for the  
life I really wanted deep down. I wanted a husband, children, a  
house and even a dog.

I started to hiccup and my crying started to subside.

It was cold and I started to shiver. He noticed this and opened his  
jacket to let me snuggle closer and warm up. He waited for me to  
speak. He would sit like this forever and not complain about his  
knees. This was what I had always wanted. I knew he loved me. He  
wouldn't be out looking for me if he didn't care.

I whispered his name.

He pulled back and looked at me with his soul searching eyes and  
asked me what I needed.

I wanted to shout that I needed him. I wanted him to tell me that he  
still loved me. I wanted to have his children and live with him till  
the day I took my last breath.

I swallowed and kept my thoughts to myself. This wasn't the time or  
place to address this other things were priority now. I asked him  
if my father was dead and was the reason he was looking for me.

I held my breath and looked down. I waited to hear if my life was  
going to change. If he was going to tell me that I had missed the  
opportunity to spend the last few hours of my father's life with him  
instead of drowning my sorrows here.

He lifted my chin and I tried to fight the tears from falling.

"Sam your father is still alive the last time I talked to Teal'c  
that was what he told me. Your brother Mark is here he flew in from  
San Diego and Daniel and General Hammond were there to pick him up.  
I got him clearance to see Dad. The President gave him special  
permission since the ward your father's in is off limits to  
civilians. We have to get to the hospital Sam but I need you to get  
yourself together. Look at yourself, you're drunk and that bastard  
left you with one nasty bruise."

I turned away. I had forgotten what Pete had done. He had called my  
brother to tell him my father was on death's door and had gotten  
upset with me when I started to yell at him for interfering. Mark  
was here in Colorado Springs. Great this was just what I needed.  
Another lecture from him on why Samantha Carter could not keep a  
man.

He was the only one that had liked Jonas and had actually blamed me  
for the break-up. Saying that if I wasn't so wrapped up in my work I  
would have seen the great man Jonas was. Now that I had broken up  
with his best buddy Pete what would he think of me.

I snapped out of it. My father was still alive but for how much  
longer? I needed to get to the hospital.

He stood up and I tried to stand. I was still tipsy. I accepted  
that but I needed to sober up quickly. The alcohol was making it  
hard for me to focus. But it had made me forget for a little while  
the problems I had created.

I looked at Jack. Was he ashamed of me? My mind started to work over  
time. Why would he care about my appearance? My father would never  
know the difference and Mark could kiss my ass for putting me in the  
situation with his precious friend Pete.

I pulled away from him and he was startled. I started to walk and  
did it without his help. I said I was going home to shower and then  
going over to the hospital. I thanked him for the clearance for Mark  
but I had relieved him of any more duties. I didn't want to burden  
him any longer with the drama that was my life. Without thinking  
that I had made his life a part of my drama, and that my actions  
were dragging him deeper into it.

He stood up, stared down at me and I could see he was angry again.

"So you're dismissing me Colonel, after your little disappearing act  
earlier and then your confession to me this afternoon? I'm supposed  
to walk away and pretend I don't care for you. You're the one that  
put us in this position and now that you're back in control you  
brush me aside. Well I don't think so. We have lots and I stress on  
the lots to discuss. But now is not the time. I need you to sober up  
now and get your ass back into shape. I don't want to bring you up  
on charges Colonel so don't push me I will. Let's get downstairs and  
get you some coffee. Do I make myself clear Colonel? Do I have to  
repeat myself?"

I tried not to sway but it was difficult. He was such an arrogant  
pig having to go back to ranks to show he was superior. He had been  
such a gentleman a while ago and now he was back to the Jack O'Neill  
asshole. Why couldn't he just let me go? He did his good deed for  
the day. I had enough of people telling me what to do. I'd show him.  
I was my own person and if I didn't want to listen to him then I  
wouldn't.

I walked around him and defiantly picked up the bottle and took  
another swig of the whiskey.

He crossed the deck in three strides, yanked the bottle from my hand  
and flung it over the side. I heard it shatter and turned to look at  
him, I placed my hands on my hips and yelled "There, I defied a  
direct order from my superior. Write me up. I'm sick and tired of  
people telling me what to do. I've been doing it all my life and I'm  
through. I left the hospital because that control freak had stepped  
over the line when I didn't want his help and now you're telling me  
what to do when I don't want your help? You know what, why don't I  
make this easy for you and resigned as of this second."

I fished through my pocket and found the letter I had typed up  
earlier to give to Jack. If he had given me any indication earlier  
when I had come to see him that if I retired and came back as a  
consultant, would he give us a chance? I was willing to make that  
leap.

I threw the letter at his face and pushed him aside. I was through  
talking to him I was going hometo clean myself up and going to  
my father.

I heard him rip the letter in half and heard him behind me I quicken  
my step and had made it to the ladder but was pulled back and  
whipped around.

"This is unacceptable. Do you hear me Colonel? You are not resigning  
I wont allow it. If I have to pull ever favor I have outstanding you  
will not retire. Now listen to me. I will not repeat myself. We are  
going downstairs you will go straight to the bathroom and into the  
shower. If I have to strip you of your clothes then I will. I will  
find you something to wear and you will drink lots of coffee and  
water. I will drive you to the hospital and you will not say one  
single word unless I ask you too. Do I make myself clear Colonel  
Carter? Or do I have to demonstrate that I am not playing games  
anymore?"

He had grabbed my upper arms before he started his tirade. He was  
angry I could tell by the way he spoke. It was low and menacing it  
was meant to intimidate me and had worked but I wouldn't show that  
to him.

I yelled at him that he wasn't my father or my keeper. That I was  
retiring, that I had enough of saving the world and I wanted out. I  
was tired of fighting I wanted to be left alone. I asked him to  
please let me go. I was wasting time arguing with him here. My mind  
was made up.

He said I wasgoing to behave and do what he said and there would  
be no room for discussion. When I didn't answer, he said "fine well  
do it the hard way."

Before I knew it he had picked me up and thrown me over his shoulder  
and started to climb down the ladder. I was kicking and bellowing  
for him to put me down. He said if I continued we would both fall.

I stopped till he got on solid ground and started to kick again. He  
swatted me on my behind and I howled at the pain. He said if I was  
going to act like a child he was going to treat me like one.

I was cursing up a storm and could have sworn I had heard a chuckle  
when he opened his bathroom door. He dropped me in the shower and  
proceeded to turn on the cold water to sober me up. The spray of  
cold water was too much, I screeched telling him what I thought of  
his little power play.

I tried to get up but each time I did he pushed me down and told me  
to cool off. I stopped struggling after the third time. I was wet  
and when he saw the fight leave me he said he was going to the  
kitchen to start the coffee. If he came back with the spare clothes  
and I was still not undressed, he would do it for me.

He left and I was sitting on the floor of the shower with my clothes  
on and soaked to the bone. I wanted to cry and laugh at the whole  
situation. It was a humbling experience. I got up and started to  
take off the wet clothes, placing them outside the shower. The water  
started to sober me up, finally undressed and adjusted the water. I  
wanted warmth, the water pounding on my back was doing the trick. I  
washed my hair and body, turned off the water and stepped out,  
wrapped myself in a towel. The steam of the shower had fogged up the  
mirror, I wiped to clear it.

I look at myself and started to examine my face. My eyes were  
bloodshot from the crying and the alcohol I had consumed. My head  
was starting to pound. I touched the back of my head and felt the  
beginning of a bump. It must have happened when Pete had slapped me  
so hard I had fell back and hit my head. I then stared at my cheek  
that was starting to bruise. My reminder of the mistake I had made  
of my life. I trace the bruise and didn't hear the door open; I was  
too occupied feeling sorry for me. I felt him stand behind me, turn  
my cheek towards him and heard him curse. I swallowed hard and  
closed my eyes. I didn't want to see his pity or disgust. But, I was  
happy he was here, only he could be.

He asked me if I was hurt anywhere else.

I nodded yes and pointed to the back of my head. He started to feel  
through my hair and felt the bump. I hissed out in pain.Opening  
my eyes, I saw his face through the mirror, I could see him tense up  
and mumble something. He had brought in a pair of small sweats and a  
large sweatshirt. I leaned back until I felt him and placed my head  
under his chin and closed my eyes. I could feel the tears wanting to  
fall. I screwed up and had admitted it to him and everyone around  
me. My life was up in the air and all I ever wanted had been lost to  
me. He pulled me back towards him and placed his hands around my  
waist. He whispered too me that he was sorry for yelling at me and  
to forget about retiring; he was not going to lose the best thing  
that had happened to the SGC on his watch. I turned enough to catch  
his lips with mine and gave him a light kiss and thanked him for  
everything.

He stiffened again. I pulled away, turned around and said I was  
sorry, I wouldn't do that again. He was about to say something when  
I grabbed the clothes and walked to the his bedroom. I couldn't help  
myself I wanted to show him I was sorry. I wanted him so badly, I  
needed him, even though I was so mad at his authority game he'd  
pulled on me earlier I wanted his arms around me, his lips on my lips,  
but I had screwed it up again. He'd never tolerate it. I'd better  
act as he said, and wait for the events to unfold.

The sweats had to have been Cassie's or were they Kerry's. I stared  
at them and decided not to wear them if they were hers. I started to  
rummage through his drawers and found a pair of his I put them on,  
the t-shirt and sweatshirt. I looked ridiculous. In oversized  
clothes bloodshot eyes and the mother of all bruises starting to  
form on my face but I'd be damn if I was going to wear her clothes.  
When did I start to be jealous of someone I didn't know?? When you  
found out he was dating the man you could ever love.

There was a knock on the door. I turned to open it.

He looked at me and looked at the sweats on the bed. He asked if  
they didn't fit I told him I wasn't going to wear Kerry's clothes so  
I borrowed some of his. He shook his head and mumble stubborn woman.  
He opened the door and said the coffee was ready and that he would  
put my shoes and pants in the dryer.

I cuffed the sweats so I wouldn't fall. I made it to the kitchen and  
poured myself a cup of coffee. I went to go sit in the living room.  
The coffee was good and I savored every sip.

He came and sat next to me, handing me an ice pack. I put the cup  
down and put the pack on my face.

I sat there and started to feel cold. He saw me shiver, got up and  
pulled out an afghan from the closet. I wrapped myself in it and  
avoided him. I was still in that mix of anger and embarrassment of  
what had happened earlier. I was sobering up and was thinking  
straight again I needed to go I needed to get as far away from him  
as possible. I needed to heal what I had created.

He tried to get me to talk but I didn't respond. He got up to use  
his phone when he knew I would not be speaking to him. I tried not  
to eavesdrop but heard him speak to Teal'c. What I could hear my  
father was still in critical condition and nothing had changed. Mark  
was asking for me and was demanding to know why I wasn't there. The  
last nail in the coffin, my brother was asking to settle the scores.  
When he had no clue to what actually had happened.

I wanted to avoid him but I knew it was futile. I pulled my feet up  
onto the couch and laid my head on my knees. I put the ice pack on  
the back of my head to see if the pounding would stop. I closed my  
eyes and tried to make sense of what was left of my life.

Jack came back and sat next to me. I still avoided him. He spoke and  
said my dad was still in critical condition but was holding. General  
Hammond had contacted the Tok'ra hopeful that they would send  
someone to help him. He touched my arm and I looked up. I could see  
his concern and I asked if we could go to the hospital I wanted to  
spend as much time as possible with my dad.

He said in a little bit, he wanted me to drink some more coffee and  
to wait for my pants and shoes to dry. I didn't argue with him. My  
fight was gone. I got up and took my cup and filled it with more  
coffee. He followed me into the kitchen. He sat on a stool in front  
of me and asked if I wanted some aspirin.

I nodded. He got up, got me two and handed them to me with a glass  
of water.

I sat next to him and whispered my thanks. He was staring at me. I  
could feel him looking right through me, the heat of his intense  
stare not wavering. I started to speak, I told him I wish none of  
this had happened, I wish I could just wake up and it be all a  
nightmare, that I was sorry to have been such an inconvenience in  
his life.

I could see his hands they were curled into fists. I said I was  
sorry if I touched a nerve but he didn't know how it felt to have  
someone they love not love them back and single handedly pushed them  
out of their life.

He slammed his hands on the counter and I was startled and dropped  
the cup I was holding. It fell and shattered on the floor.

"I don't know how it feels? Is that what you're saying Carter?  
You're sitting there wallowing in your guilt and sorrow of the mess  
you've made of your life and you're telling me I don't know how it  
feels? You think I don't know how it feels to have your heart ripped  
out of your chest and handed to you and still have to smile and  
pretend it doesn't hurt? I'm suppose to stand back and watch the  
only person I dared let into my heart tell me she is seeing someone  
else and then decides to marry this person even though I know he  
isn't good enough for her? That deep down I die a little every day  
knowing I can't have you in my life and trying to pick up the pieces  
that are left and try to make something of it. I don't know how it  
feels to have my emotions played with when I decide to start a life  
with someone else and you decided you want me after all and ask me  
to forget all the hurt and pain you caused me?"

He was shaking with the anger he was screaming at me. He looked  
ready to kill. The cool aloof Jack O'Neill was gone. This was a side  
I never saw and it frightened me.

"Carter I've been acting like everything is peachy for so long that  
I started to believe it. You have no right to say what you did to me  
today, or to kiss me like I've wanted you to do for so long and  
expect me to fall to my knees and beg you to have me. I don't work  
that way. No, Carter you hurt me. I thought we had something that  
was pure and perfect. Something special that would wait until we  
were ready. I don't think I could forgive you for that, it would  
hurt too much to try again. So if you're expecting me to profess my  
love for you and to tell you that I'll be here when you're ready, I  
don't know if I can say that I'm too old for this"

Jack got up and walked away. My heart was breaking. What had I done  
to him? Why didn't I see that I had wounded him to the point I could  
not take it back. I bit my lip to stop me from crying out. Tears  
were starting to fall down my cheeks. The raw emotion he had spoken  
with was heart wrenching. I never knew he cared this much. I thought  
it was me who was the one that cared the most but I was wrong and  
now I was to pay by losing the man I would die for.

I got up and started to pick up the broken pieces of the cup that I  
had dropped. I went in search of my pants and they were semi dry. I  
put them on and put on my still soggy shoes. I went in search of my  
keys to my bike. I needed to leave, to give him what he wanted: me  
out of his life. I was no longer welcomed here and it was all my  
fault.

I looked all over the living room and the dining room, when I looked  
up Jack was there holding them in his hand and putting them in his  
pocket.

I asked for them and told him I was going to the hospital. He said  
no, that I was in no condition to drive. He was taking me and I was  
not to argue.

He opened the front door and I followed him out. I climbed into his  
truck, facing away from him. I was ashamed of the pain I had  
afflicted on him by dating and accepting a marriage proposal from a  
man I never truly loved. Try as I might I could never make up for  
what I did, for the pain I caused. I wanted to disappear.

We arrived at the hospital without saying one word to one another. I  
climbed out and started to run to the entrance. He followed close  
behind, caught up to me at the elevator. He grabbed my hand and I  
pulled back. I didn't want to be close to him I needed space. He  
called out to me and I ignored him. We got into the elevator and  
made it to my father's floor. I don't know why I didn't talk, was it  
really because I couldn't or because I the words that were stuck in  
my throat were unspeakable.

We stepped out and saw General Hammond, Mark and Pete. I stopped,  
Jack bumped into me and asked what was wrong. I kept staring ahead  
and he looked to where I was staring and saw Pete.

He pushed me behind him and whispered the bastard had the nerve to  
be here after what he did and he was going to finish it now once and  
for all. I grabbed his arm and pleaded for him not to do anything,  
that I would handle it.

Pete looked up and saw me and Jack arguing and started to walk up to  
us.

"That's the man that attacked me earlier I want you to arrest him  
for assault," Pete was saying to the two MP's that had materialized.

They threw Jack against the wall and he started to curse a blue  
streak, calling Pete every bad word in the book but the one that  
made him flinch was coward.

I pleaded with the MP's to let Jack go and Mark came up to me and  
started to yell at me wondering were the hell had I been and why was  
I defending the man that had assaulted my fiancé who only wanted to  
help.

I was speechless. What had Pete told Mark and the officers to make  
them believe that Jack was at fault? I looked to General Hammond and  
asked him to do something and asked where Teal'c and Daniel were.

General Hammond said that they were in custody for the assault on  
Pete. He was pressing charges on them also. Mark continued to shout  
at me and Pete grabbed my hand and tried to pull me away. I yanked  
my hand away from him and went to help Jack who was being led away  
to the elevator.

I told the MP's to stop that it was all a big mistake. They stopped  
and I looked to Pete then to Jack. I said I wanted to speak to my  
fiancé.

Mark shut up and I saw Jack turn away. Pete just smiled at General  
Hammond and Jack. He took me by the hand and walked down the hall.

He said he forgave me for my behavior earlier and that if I kept  
quiet he would think about not pressing charges on my friends. He  
said that Mark believed him that the guys had instigated the attack  
and that I had been hurt in the tussle.

He started to squeeze my hand tightly and said that I should never  
run from him because he would always find me and since he was an  
officer of the law everyone would believe him instead of me.

He pulled my ring out of his pocket and placed it on my finger. He  
tried to kiss me but I moved away. I could see the anger starting to  
simmer again.

I asked if he was through, he said yes. I took a deep breath and  
said I wanted to make it clear that I needed no excuse for my  
behavior earlier. He was to blame for all that had happen. I  
reminded him that he wasn't the reason I had run from the hospital,  
I needed to get my head straight and to really think of the  
decisions I had made the last couple of months.

I told him that if he didn't drop the charges on my friends that I  
was going to press charges on him for assaulting me. The guys were  
only trying to protect me since I was incapacitated at the time. I  
also reminded him how law enforcement frown on there own people  
breaking there laws.

I could see him shaking with anger. I stepped back and took off his  
ring and threw it at him. I reminded him that it would be a cold day  
in hell before I would ever marry him. I was terribly afraid he  
would hit me again, but deep down I knew that Jack was here, and he  
wouldn't allow him to do so. He would protect me if anything  
happened.

I turned and told the officers to let Jack go, that Pete was not  
pressing charges. I looked at Jack. He had seen everything.

I heard a scream and knew it was Pete ready to finish the job he had  
started earlier. I stepped back right into Jacks arms. He pulled me  
aside away from Pete.

I heard what sounded like a punch and someone falling. I looked  
around Jack to see Mark cradling his hand and standing over Pete. He  
was telling him off and if he ever laid a finger on me he would  
personally kick his ass.

I looked at Mark and saw that he finally realized what the truth  
was. Jack called the MP's over to escort Pete off the premises and  
told them to release Daniel and Teal'c. I was still behind Jack and  
leaning against the wall.

Mark came up to us but Jack would not leave. He had taken my hand  
and was still holding it.

I heard Mark call to me but I didn't want to answer him. Jack  
squeezed my hand and I looked up. I looked to Mark and he was trying  
to find the words. I let go of Jack's hand and went up to Mark.

He took me into his arms and started to apologize for jumping to the  
wrong conclusion and that he wished he knew what a jerk Pete was  
before he set us up.

I was still in Mark's arm when I looked up to see Jack looking at  
me. I mouthed thank you to him and he nodded.

The elevators opened, Daniel and Teal'c rushed up to us. Daniel  
asked if I was okay but winced when he saw the bruise on my face.

Teal'c was livid. He wanted to go down and finish the job he had  
started on Pete. Jack told him what Mark had done and was slightly  
pleased. Mark had his arm around my shoulder and I leaned in to  
take in his strength. I introduce him to Daniel, Teal'c and Jack.  
He apologize for what he was led to believe was the truth and said  
he was sorry for believing Pete instead of them.

General Hammond came up to us. I looked up and was surprised to see  
Anise. I gasped and Jack looked to see what I was staring at. He  
smiled and introduced Dr. Anise to Mark and said that dad was in  
good hands.

I said I wanted to see my dad and Mark said he would come along I  
said no that Dr. Anise and I would go in alone and then when she was  
done examining him he could come in.

We walked to the room and Dad was laying there with tubes and  
machinery helping him breathe. I could feel the tears swelling in my  
eyes, my throat dry, never had he been that vulnerable even before  
he blended with Selmak.

Anise took out a healing device and started to wave it above him. I  
waited to see what her prognosis would be. She stopped and said the  
damage was very severe but with a couple of sessions he would pull  
survive. I collapse onto the chair and started to cry. Anise was  
taken aback, not knowing what to do. She stepped out. I was still  
crying when I felt two strong hands on my shoulders. I grabbed one  
of the hands and looked up. It was Jack I told him what Anise had  
said and he smiled saying that the snakes were at least good for  
something. I snorted and let out a small laugh but started to cry  
again. He came down to my level, opened his arms and said, "come  
here".

I leaned in and I held him. Anise came in and said she needed to  
start the procedure I nodded my head and thanked her for helping out.

Jack held my hand and we watched Anise start the healing process.  
When she was done with the first session she asked Jack if there was  
somewhere she could rest and Jack showed her out to another room.  
Mark came in and I asked if the Dr. Anise had given him the good  
news. He nodded yes and pulled a chair next to me to sit. He took  
my hand in his and squeezed it.

I came close to him and placed my head on his shoulder. Mark started  
to speak saying he was sorry for yelling at me earlier, but the guys  
had just given him the run around and when he had heard Pete's  
story, all the resentment he had for the military and for my friends  
just boiled over and he had let his emotions rule him.

He said that dad had spoken about my friends and how lucky I was to  
have them watching my back. He said that I should have been the one  
to call not Pete about our father. He knew there was more to the  
story but he was willing to wait. That maybe when dad recovered we'd  
all go down to San Diego with him to recuperate and to get to know  
one another again. I was crying and he put his arm around me,  
saying he was sorry that he was such a sorry excuse for a brother  
and that he would try to be better.

I told him I would love to spend time with him and Dad once he  
recovered and reconnecting sounded wonderful.

We sat there most of the night. Leaving only when Anise had to check  
up on Dad's progress we went out and sat with the guys Mark went to  
call his wife to give her an update. Jack sat next to me and asked  
if I was okay.

I told him I was fine and that everything would be alright. I then  
asked if I could have some time off. That I wanted to help my father  
recuperate and Mark had asked us to come to San Diego with him to re-  
connect.

He said he could arrange that. I took his hand and thanked him. I  
told him if he wanted to leave that it was okay. I knew Kerry was  
probably wondering what was going on and that dad was out of the  
woods and would recover and if he wanted he could go on his trip.

He said that he wasn't going anywhere that he had talked to Kerry to  
update her with what was going on. I listened but tried not to show  
the hurt on my face. I had to be brave to show him that it was okay  
with me that I had lost him to another woman and I had to accept  
that. He deserved the happiness she was giving him since I could  
never commit to him.

I let go his hand and stood up. I told him I needed some air and he  
quipped that I wasn't running off again. I told him no that I was  
through running and that I was facing things as they came. I would  
not make the same mistakes again. I bent down and kissed his cheek  
and whispered thank you. I stood and left, I had to, I needed to.

I walked away knowing if I turned I would not be able to leave him  
that I would not be able to do what I had to do to achieve happiness.

TBC


	4. chapter 4

Part 4

The plane started to descend and I let out a sighed of relief. I hated sitting still for so long. I tried to be patient but gave up an hour into the flight. I had paced up and down the aisles and gotten the passengers so nervous that the flight attendants were threatening to put me in restraints if I didn't settle down. I explained to them that I was on official business for the Air Force, I was on a classified mission. I then apologized for giving them such a hard time and promised to behave myself. They let me go back to my seat. I had to hold it together butdamn if they only knew thatI was a man on a mission.

The mission being going to San Diego to bring back the one person the SGC needed just as much as they needed the Stargate.

I was going to tell her that there was no way in hell I was going to let her retire from a program I knew she loved more than anything in the world, and beyond. I was going to tell her that her resignation was not being accepted I had warned her before and had ripped the same letter a month ago on my roof and telling her in very specific terms that her request was not accepted. I'd told her there and then that she was not going to retire on my watch. I was going to try to remain calm and cool and try my damdest not to yell.

I'd use the O'Neill charm and if that didn't work I was going to threaten her with bodily harm if she didn't return to the program.

The program needed her.

They needed the ideas she'd pull out ofnowhere when all seemed lost. They needed her brain to make sure the Gou'ald would not succeed in taking over the world. She needed to comeback because the SGC needed her.

My conscious was screaming at me to go and get her. It was also telling me that it was me that was lost if she didn't return.

I had not been the same since that day I'd found her at my house, drunk out of her mind and so vulnerable. She looked so lost; seeing her in my sweater that was two sizes too big for her tore at my heart. When she started to kiss me, I nearly let myself take her there, it was what I had wanted for so long, but I knew it was wrong. When she kissed me, there would be no alcohol involved and I would know that she did it because she wanted to not because she was not thinking straight. I had pulled away for both our sakes but she lashed out. I knew why she was doing it but let her vent. When she stepped over the line I went back to my Superior Officer mode. I had to get her off the roof and into the bathroom to sober up. Her father needed her and I needed to get her to him before it was too late.

I remember losing control when she started to tell me I didn't know how it felt to lose someone you cared more than you're supposed to. I let go of the feelings I had for her and had been brutally honest and told herhow I felt. I realized now it was my way of getting back at her for the whole Pete thing. It had hurt me more than I cared to admit and when I had let loose on her I had regretted it.

I leaned back into my seat and chided myself. What did you want her to do O'Neill? Wait till you were done playing soldier? She did exactly what you told her to do she got a life and you couldn't deal with it. You tried to replace her with someone else that only ended up hurting both of them in the end. And yet I was on this very plane. My mind racing. I was there to bring her back to the SGC, and if there was a chance, bring back in my life.

I put my seat in the upright position and reached for my briefcase, the same briefcase Carter had given me after my promotion when she saw me using a backpack to carry all of my important papers.

She said it was a gift but if she only knew what it meant to receive a gift from her then she probably would have rethought the gester. It was a beautiful black leather case with my initials by the handles. I pulled out the letter she had given to General Hammond to relay to me. It was short and too the point. General Hammond had gone to visit Jacob, Sam had given it to him and asked to intercede on her behalf.

I had nearly lost it when the General had come to see me and gave me the letter. I remembered clearly yelling out that no way in hell was she retiring. Did she think so little of me to actually give the request to Hammond instead of me? The General tried to appease me but I was beyond that, I started calling the airlines for the next flight to San Diego and I asked General Hammond if he would grant me the time off to take care of the problem. He tried to talk me out of if but I was adamant that she would not be retiring.

I left like a bat out of hell. I was going to arrive late to San Diego but I didn't care I needed to see her to resolve this. There would be no sleeping till I settled this with her. She was coming back and I would not take no for an answer. I had made mistakes in handling this with her and I would make amends. I knew the reason she was not coming back was because of me. She had lost what she had felt for me and me being such a coward had not told her that I needed her more than she needed me.

I was going to give her more time if she needed to get herself together. The last couple of months had been hard on her. With her abduction by Fifth, taking over SG1, her father almost dying, her sudden engagement to the bastard, her change of heart causing her to dump him.

The bastard had hurt her, he had had the nerve to hit her in front of me. I still think I should have maimed him for that but was brought back to reality by her. She had taken me aside after we were told that her father was recovering and should be awake shortly. She had asked to speak to me and I followed her outside. She thanked me for interfering and said she was glad I had not hurt him anymore than I did. He was a victim of her indecision. I told her no, that she was not at fault but she insisted, if she had not led him on then none of this would have happened. I told her she was wrong and that giving him an excuse to hurt her did not make this right.

She didn't say anythingnot wanting to fight any longer andasked me for a couple of weeks off to be with Mark and her father.

Mark had invited her to come to San Diego to reconnect. I looked into her face and saw the spark that had been missing for so long. I took her hand and said that sounded great but not to get too use to the idea of being off of work. The SGC needed her.

She smiled and thanked me, she had told me that I should call Kerry with what was going on and that she was okay, she had her brother here now and if I wanted to leave she'd understand.

Understand, she understood what? I was still reeling with all the events that had happened that day and me losing control. Telling her how I felt was not part of the plan. I knew I had hurt her but it was killing me not to be able to vent what I felt. She had to be told and I felt bad doing that to her but she didn't look any worse for wear.

Didn't she know I wasn't going anywhere? After we had bared our souls to one another we were bonded to one another for life. I told her I wasn't going anywhere that I would be here or at the SGC until Dad woke up. I remembered telling her I had spoken to Kerry to update her on what was going on. I didn't tell her that Kerry had pleaded with me to come to her. Did Kerry already know that it would not work between us that I was trying to get over Sam by dating her?

I was about to apologize to her for what I had said earlier when Mark came out looking for Sam, saying that the Dr. wanted to speak to us. She thanked me again and ran inside. Dr. Anise said that Dad was recovering nicely and would be awakening soon. I saw the relief on Sam's face and Mark pulled her into his arms, hugged her. Anise looked like she was ready to pass out and I asked if she wanted to rest. She smiled and thanked me for my in sight. I led her away to a room where she could rest.

Daniel and Teal'c had left after they heard the news that Jacob would be okay. Mark and Sam were going to stay until dad woke. I felt I was intruding and told them I was going back to the base to see how things were going. General Hammond asked for a ride so he could crash out in one of the VIP rooms till his flight the next day. He gave Sam a hug and I heard her whisper her thanks in getting Anise here. He smiled, said anytime and to call him when Jacob woke. He embraced Mark and he gave his thanks also. She turned to me and didn't say anything. She reached out and took my hand and squeezed it. She looked at me. I didn't know what to do.

I wanted to caress her cheek to pull her into my arms and tell her I was sorry for all the pain I had ever given her. But I was afraid. I didn't know how to approach this so I did nothing but stepped back, as usual, when I should have taken my chances, and told her what was in my heart. The doubts were still in my skeptical mind and I needed to regroup. I could see the hurt in her eyes. She let go and cleared her throat, reminded me about her taking time off, that she would be coming into the SGC to give instructions to the scientist staff about stuff she would be leaving behind.

Jacob had woken that day and just seeing the smile on Sam's face I knew I could never hate her. That I was destined to love her for the rest of my life and if I was lucky enough she would forgive me for being such an ass to her. Jacob left the hospital the next day they were planning on leaving for San Diego in 2 days. He had Anise ask the Tok'ra Council for time away and was granted time to recover. Jacob had heard about all that had transpired at the hospital with Sam and Pete and was not a happy snake. He wanted to hunt down Pete and let Selmac give him the scare of his life. Mark had apologized again for setting Sam up with such a loser.

Mark turned out to be a good guy after everything settled down. He had come up to me, extended his hand and thanked me for looking out for his family. I was taken aback but took his hand and said it was my job to keep an eye out for the people I worked with.

He shook his head and said his father was right, that I would put my life on the line for anyone on my team but when faced with a compliment I would turn tail and go into my military mode. We hit it off after that, he even loved hockey so he couldn't be such a bad guy.

Jacob had cornered me the day before they left and had made me tell him everything that had been going on since the last time he was on earth. Sam had skirted around most of the subjects and he didn't want to press her. She would tell him in due time he said but wanted to be prepared for the worse. I told him everything that had happen since after the Alpha site incident and he didn't interrupt. After I was done, Jacob was speechless. Selmac came in to let me know that Jacob thanked me for my honesty and if I could give them some time alone to digest all that was said. I left him alone and went back to the base.

Sam was their tying up some loose ends, not wanting to leave us in such a lurch. Dr. Felger and Combs where overjoyed that she had left them with the majority of her unfinished projects and promised to be extra careful. Which she didn't really believe, but she didn't have much choice. She came to my office right before she left. She looked tired and the bruise on her cheek only accented the dark circles under her eyes. I had to resist the urge to get off my seat and take her in my arms, telling her that it'd be ok, that I was here now. She tried to talk me out of taking them to the airport but I told her I was trying to score points with her father and Mark. She chuckled and said she thought at the moment they liked me more than her. I nodded my head no and said they loved her more than words could ever say. She smiled and thanked me for the compliment.

She gave me her latest report and had given me a summary of the projects she had left to the scientist teams. She also said that she didn't want to take her cell phone, she wanted to be away with no interruptions, but if I wanted she would take one with her. I told her that wasn't necessary but to leave Mark's number just in case.

She tried again to talk me out of taking them to the airport but I refused. I needed to spend as much time with her as necessary I told her I wouldn't take no for an answer

The airport was busy and we got there late thanks to Daniel and Teal'c impromptu visit in wanting to make Sam and her family breakfast before leaving. I had been thinking of what I wanted to tell her and was about to speak when she asked how Kerry was and when were we going to finally go fishing.

I could see the hurt still in her eyes and was interrupted by Jacob when they announce the final boarding to the plane. I told Jacob to relax and have a nice time and Mark to keep an eye on both of them. Sam waved them ahead and I pulled her in to my arms for a hug. I whispered to her that she had better be well and rested when she got back and if I heard she was doing any thing related to work I was going to court martial her. She pulled back and laughed and caressed my cheek. I pulled back and she let me go. I told her to hurry back the SGC needed her. She tried to smile but it never reached her face. She walked to the door and I watched her leave.

I wished her to turn around one more time. I held my breath and waited. She stopped turned around and I could have sworn I saw tears in her eyes. She raised her hand and waved before the door closed.

I let out my breath and remembered that last time. Why hadn't I answered Carter when she asked me if I was taking Kerry fishing? Why didn't I let out those feelings right there, when it was important, when it mattered? Why couldn't I let my love show to the only person I wanted to give it too? It brought me back to the last time I had spoken to Kerry.

Kerry had waited for me that night and I never showed. The next day when I still hadn't shown up, she knew it was over. She had called the hospital to find out Jacob's condition and had one of the nurses page me to the front desk. I answered and winced when I heard her speak. I apologized and told her I was sorry. She said she understood. She asked if I could leave the purse downstairs in the lobby so she could pick it up on the way to the airport. She had a flight to Washington and needed her identification to get on the plane

I asked the lobby receptionist to give me a call when she arrived.

When Kerry arrived I tried to explain to her but she put a finger to my lip and said she knew she had only been a substitute for something I could not have. She said she had known what she was getting into but thought I was worth the fight. She said Sam was a lucky woman and asked if I could apologize to her for her being rude to her the day before.

Her words were still ringing in my ears, "Remember Jack you're someone I would fight for but you can't fight what you two have. I concede defeat and leave a little wiser in the love department. The couple of weeks we had you showed me such devotion and what I hope was love and so much promises but you always held back. But that little bit of love was worth more than any of my past relationships. You're a keeper Jack O'Neill and if for any reason it doesn't work out, give me a call, it could work between us."

She left and I was alone again, having hurt someone that I knew I could have loved but Kerry understood what was between Carter and me, and had stepped aside. I was feeling bad. She was a nice person, but I had used her when she was offering me love and a life. On the other hand, I couldn't be thankful enough to her that she showed me the way.

I was rummaging through my briefcase when the captain came on the PA system to announce we would be arriving in San Diego in 10 minutes and to thank us for flying the friendly skies, he asked the attendants to prepare for landing.

I re-read her letter and tried to remain calm.

I was going to let her have it when I got to her. How could she put me through all of this after I had granted her the time she had asked for? Time that felt like an eternity to me.

I was going to tell her that I had been miserable the last month without her being around, miserable in not seeing her or hearing her voice. Miserable thinking it was my fault that she was not coming back because of what I had said to her. I'd have the courage this time. I wouldn't be a coward. I was willing to get down on my achy knees if necessary to beg her to comeback because the SGC needed her. Ah hell I needed her.

After she had left I had thrown myself into my work. I'd stay late and would walk by her lab just to be close to her. After a couple of days I was counting the days I would see her again.

I received her call. She had asked for two more weeks. There was nothing pressing for her to comeback to. She had sounded so at peace, more relaxed than I had ever heard her. I asked her how things had been going and I could have sworn I could see her smiling through the phone when she relayed to me that they had rented a house on the beach and were having a wonderful time reconnecting. She even joked that she had taken up fishing to see what all the fuss was about. I was smiling like an idiot. She asked timidly if I had missed her. I said I hadn't missed her technobabble explanations, her constant hounding of staying longer off world and I had the supply of all types of jell-o at my finger tips so what was to miss. She giggled and I ordered her not to giggle. She started to laugh after that. I granted her two more weeks and she thanked me and had said even though I hadn't missed her she had missed us.

I told her to have a good time and to come back with a nice tan. She said she already had a tan but would work hard on it for me. I hung up and felt so distressed. I was missing her. Badly. Everywhere I went in this base was her face. Hearing her voice was so painful, I wanted her back here, I was even ready to listen to hours of her babbling. But I knew it was the right thing to give her this time. It would kill me but I'd learn to survive.

Two more weeks passed. The base had been on pins and needles since she had asked for more time. I was like a lion with a thorn in my paw and no one could appease me. Daniel and Teal'c had taken the brunt of my anger and had finally sat me down and asked me why I had given her the time if it was making me so miserable. I asked them over to my house for dinner as a peace offering and after steaks and beer I had told them what had happen when I had found Sam at my house and at the hospital and what had happen with Pete at the hospital. Since I was bearing my soul I told them about Kerry. They were stunned but supportive and said that the ball was in my court and if I was to pursue anything with Sam they would support me.

Sam was scheduled to comeback on Monday morning. I had not received a call from her asking for more time and was counting the hours till I got to see her. I was going to apologize for being such a jerk.

General Hammond had shattered my control when he handed me her letter. I hit the roof I was like a caged animal and I wanted to hijack the next X-301 to get me to San Diego the fastest I could get there.

I calmed myself and hopped on the first plane out of Colorado Springs to San Diego to right the wrong I knew I was responsible for.

I had no luggage just my briefcase and a carry-on bag. I was not planning on staying long. Just long enough to convince her that we needed her. I rented a car and pulled out the directions General Hammond had given me to reach the house the Carter's were renting on the beach.

It was late but I didn't care. The rational thing one would do was to wait until morning to see her but if I did I would have lost my steam. I needed answers and I needed them now. I had to know if I was responsible for this mess. I had to tell her that I didn't want her to resign. I needed to see her I was like a drowning man looking for my life saver. It had been too long since I had seen her face and had her smile at me.

The streets were empty and I pushed the speed limit to the max. It took me an hour to get to the town they were in and another hour to find the house.

I knocked on the door and waited. No one answered right away and I banged harder hoping someone would open up. When no one answered, I started to kick the door thinking maybe I was at the wrong place.

I wondered if I could sneak in to see if I could see her alone without anyone else being around. The lights started to turn on and I heard some one yelling they'd be right there.

Mark opened the door with a bat. He was in a robe and didn't look happy I checked my watch and it was late. I saw a woman behind him with a frying pan and I heard cursing behind them that sounded like Jacob.

Mark finally focused and saw that it was me.

"Jack? What are you doing here? Do you know what time it is? Where's the fire you were banging on the door like you were about to knock it down."

Mark turned around I saw the smirk on his face and smile. "Dad, Jack's here why do you think Jack is here at this hour of night?"

I was embarrassed in my rush to get to Carter I had forgotten that I'd have to face the Carter men first.

Jacob came up behind Mark and looked furious. I started to think this was really a bad idea.

Mark was still smiling and so was the lady in the robe who I assumed was Mark's wife.

If my love wasn't in the balance I may have found that funny too, but the concept of it was not that comical right now.

Jacob shook his head and turned to answer Mark. "I don't know Mark why Jack is here, let's let him in so he can tell us before the neighbors call the police."

The door opened wide and I knew there was no turning back now. I had forgotten about the Carter men and now had to pay for waking them up and appearing at their door.

"Nothing has happened back at work has it Jack? You would have called if an emergency had happened right? Only a dire emergency would have gotten you here right?"

Jacob was bating me and was taking great pleasure in it. I could see he knew why I was here but didn't know if he was happy or upset about it. My emotions had made me jump on the first plane to San Diego. The same emotions had me tell Carter exactly what I thought of her confession in my kitchen when I had lost it and now these emotions were going to get me into trouble with Carter's family.

How would I explain to them that I was the reason Carter wanted to retire. That I had treated her so badly on my roof at my house and told her that I didn't want to be used by her anymore, that she was so hurt that she was retiring because of what I had said. I was here now and I would have to admit things I was afraid to admit too. That I wanted Carter to comeback to the SGC and to me. That she belonged there.

I was so dead.

I walked into the entryway and started to back up to the door again. Just the tone in Jacob's voice was intimidating. I started to make excuses, telling them I didn't know it was so late and maybe they were right I should comeback later. I turned to high tail it to my car when Jacob reached out and grabbed my arm.

"Jack you're already here and if I know you, you'll be here at 6:00 a.m. which is in a couple of hours and the couch is available so come in and tell us what was so important that you flew from Colorado Springs to bang on our door."

Mark was chuckling and said, "Dad come on, you know why he's here. I told you he'd come and I do believe you owe me and Molly a lobster dinner with all the trimmings. We will be collecting tonight old man."

I looked to Jacob and Mark and the lady that had just handed me a cup of coffee.

"Oh Jack, this is my wife Molly and the two little people that are eavesdropping from the top of the stairs are Alex and Sandy."

I looked up to see two faces looking down at me. I waved and they waved back. I should have come in the morning but then I started to wonder where Carter was.

I shook Molly's hand, she smiled and asked if I wanted something to eat. I told her no, that I was sorry I bothered her and her family.

She smiled and Mark came next to her.

"See honey I told you he'd come. The couple of days I was in Colorado he was always there for dad and Sam. He's like that with people he likes but people he hates…. You should have seen Pete's face when Jack got through with him."

I was wishing for the floor to swallow me up. I was being put through the worse torture I'd ever had been faced with.

"Mr. O'Neill, my husband is just teasing you and I'm apologizing for him. He can get annoying but I'm happy to meet you finally after hearing so much about you."

"Mrs. Carter please call me Jack and you don't have to apologize. I deserve all the ribbing, this has really turned out to be a bad idea. And only believe all the good things they said about me."

Molly laughed and said not a bad word was told about me and both Carter's snorted and she asked me to call her Molly.

"If you'll excuse me I think you guys have lots of talking to do and I have to wide awake children that needed to get back to bed. I'll see you at breakfast Jack and I'm expecting you to be here. The kids want to meet you and I will not take no for an answer."

I told her I'd be here in the morning which was in a couple of hours, she kissed Mark and Jacob and made her way up the stairs.

"Hey Jack why don't we go into the kitchen and talk" Jacob motioned me to the kitchen and I followed.

I sat down and Mark sat next to me, Jacob in front of me.

"What Lobster dinner?" I asked Mark.

Mark smiled and Jacob rolled his eyes.

"I betted Dad that you would come here to try to talk Sam out of leaving the Air Force and he said you wouldn't come down but call. So I win, he loses ! Ah victory is sweet especially over Mr. Always Right over there."

They knew I was coming. God I wish I could just crawl into the nearest hole and die. I looked up to see Jacob staring at me and I took a sip of coffee.

Jacob spoke, "So Jack care to tell me why you are here. I assume you got the letter right ? and George must have given it to you and you're not happy right?"

I nodded and waited to see what he was going to say.

"This came as a surprise to me to Jack. The first couple of weeks here she seemed a little down, like she had a lot on her mind. I tried to get her to tell me what was wrong but she said that she was thinking about work. Mark got her to talk about the time I was gone on that special mission. Molly got her to tell her other stuff but Molly promised not to say anything and she seemed better after that. We finally had our heart to heart and…

Jacob stopped and swallowed hard. I could have sworn I saw tears wanting to fall but didn't say anything. Mark also saw what I was seeing and put his hand on Jacob's shoulder.

"She told me what happen on the Prometheus and after I left, her loss of Janet and almost loss of you twice in couple of months really put a strain on her. Her time with fifth is still affecting her, Jack she's still having nightmares. I missed all of this. She needed me and I wasn't around."

"I would have agreed with you if I hadn't heard everything that has happened Jack. But I don't think it's the right choice for her anymore. I know she's got so much ahead of her and for her to retire now it doesn't make sense. Hell I was just as surprised as you probably were when you read the letter but she's been trying to convince me that it's the right thing to do. I love my daughter Jack and all I want is to see her happy. You told me everything she's been through these last couple of months. I saw the pain in your eyes when you told me what had happen to her and it breaks my heart that I was not there for her. But, she's had time to think what she wants and if leaving the program is what she wants then I will not stand in her way. She deserves to be happy Jack and I know that's what you want as well. Don't make this hard on her okay? hear her out, she's changed so much since we got here and it s a change for the better."

I looked at Jacob and nodded. I was going to lose the only person I ever wanted and it was all my fault. I wanted to tell Jacob that it was my fault she was leaving. I had pushed her away, I was always worried what was best for the program and now had given the program my ultimate sacrifice: my love for Carter. Where had this all screwed up? Traveling all the way to San Diego to lose her eventually.

Mark said, "you're a good guy Jack, I've been with dad and Sam this last month and they have nothing but good things to say about you. I know you won't admit it but you have feelings for my sister and you showing up at this god awful hour only goes to prove it. You're not here to get her to come back to the program, you're here to get her back. Dad might have disagreed with me before but I think he's finally seeing the light."

Busted, I was so done. These two had figured out why I was really here. I opened my mouth to deny it but nothing came out. What could I say these two would not believe it any way. Was I so readable?

"So Jack, what are your intentions with my daughter? I am going to be around more often and Mark will be visiting more and Molly has shown interest in you also so what are your intentions."

I let out the breath I was holding and answered, "I should talk to Carter first Jacob, you don't know the whole story. I have a lot of apologizing to do and well I don't know what she's gonna say after I'm done. So can I get back to you about the intentions question? By the way, where is Carter since all the noise I created should have woken the dead. Why isn't she down here giving me a hard time like you two?"

"She's probably stargazing on the dunes. She goes out there practically every night. She bought a telescope, has her chair and sits out there all night."

I raised my eyebrow, a telescope, stargazing? I didn't know she even had the inclination to do that.

I got up and Mark sat me back down.

"Jack I need to have your word that you will not upset her. She's back to the Sam I remember before she left to join the Air Force, not that I didn't like military Sam but Sam my sister is more laid back and more at peace; please don't hurt her, she's been hurt enough; because if you do even though I like you I will punch your lights out if you make her cry."

I got up again and said I wouldn't hurt her; she might hurt me but I'd never hurt her.

Jacob showed me the way through the back door and Mark said he'd see me in a while. I really wanted to speak to her. I had lost my fighting spirit that had sustained me all the way from Colorado. They would not let her go back but I had to make an effort. God didn't they know I needed her to come back. Without here there would be no reason to go back. There would be no reasons for everything that had happened those last months.

It was still dark out and he handed me a flashlight. I could see a light in the distance and he said there was a path to follow and she would be there at the end.

"I wont wait up you too have a lot to talk about and Jack if you're what's best for my daughter I wont stand in the way. You two deserve all the happiness in the world. You've been through so much and if I didn't see how much you care for her. Selmac always pointed out for me. If you love her just an ounce as much as I loved my wife then I have no problem with you to getting together. Will find a way don't worry, oh if you two aren't back by the time I wake up in a couple of hours it wont be me you'll have to deal with it will be Selmac."

I shook Jacob's hand and made my way down the path. It was windy and the surf was crashing into the sand. I looked up to see that the sky was clear and beautiful. It was a perfect night for star gazing.

I got closer and could see her lantern. I turned my flashlight off not wanting to tip her off that someone was coming.

I arrived at the edge of her camp and she was sitting on a lounge chair with her telescope to her side and music softly playing. I came closer and stopped.

She was wearing my sweater again. When had she gone back to get it? Why did she want it? I would ask her and listen, not argue, I was through arguing with her. I came closer and was almost upon her when she opened her eyes and tackled me to the ground.

She had me pinned and I was trying to get her attention that it was me.

She heard my voice and asked, "General".

She let me go and was straddling my chest. I tried to sit up.

"Is this the way you greet everyone that comes to visit you Carter?"

Sir what are you doing here, she asked as she tried to get off of me.

"Well Carter you haven't answered me." My ego was bruised she had knocked me to the ground and it was done so easily.

She got up and stood in front of me. She extended her hand to help me up.

"Only people that try to sneak up on me if you were dad or Mark they would have called out but since you didn't I thought you weren't a friendly."

I was surprised to hear this. What did she mean I wasn't a friendly? Had someone tried before to attack her? If so then why did she continue to come out here alone?

I was getting angry again, she was losing her edge and she'd only been gone for a month.

"So this has happened before but you still come out here alone Carter, I thought you were smarter than that."

I saw her flinch and straighten her shoulders, she took a deep breath.

"Like I told you before sir I can take care of myself. I don't need you or anyone hovering around me. I can handle myself. I've been doing it since my mom died."

She sat on her chair and I could see I had upset her. I came next to her and dusted off the sand.

I was thinking aloud and must have said what I was thinking about her and Pete and how she had handled that.

She glared at me. I looked at her and said, 'I said that aloud didn't I?"

She nodded and went to open the cooler that was next to her and pulled out a beer she offered me one and I took it.

I was making her angry but I didn't care. she thought she could take care of herself but I had to disagree with her. She needed protecting but I would get to that later.

She stood up and asked again what I was doing here.

"Are you here to throw the whole Pete thing in my face now that all has settled down. Or are you here to finish the conversation we started at your house."

Her hostility was evident. She was not going to make this easy. I had to keep a level head. But she was not making this easy.

I would start with the letter.

"I got your letter and I'm here to tell you that I'm not accepting it. You are not retiring and you are going back to the SGC were you belong."

She snorted and said, "no."

She said what? my mind was reeling. She was telling me no.

"Colonel, did I not make myself clear to you before? Do you remember up on my roof when you tried to hand me your retirement letter? I said before this would not happen on my watch. So get that out of your head; end of discussion. We need you back there; you're too good to retire and as long as the Gou'ald are a threat you are needed."

She came up to me with her hands on her hips and started in on me.

"No, I'm not going back I have decided to retire. What's so hard for you to understand? I'm tired of fighting everyone. I'm retiring. I'm doing the right thing. You don't want me around anymore. I feel like I've lost your trust, that I've let you down. I can't go back like that. Things have changed. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was a month ago. I've found out what I want in life and I would think you would be supportive in my decision."

"Supportive of your decision, you thought so much of me that you gave you letter to General Hammond to give to me. To be your mediator in this situation what Carter didn't think you could hand in your resignation to me? had to have a third party around. Yeah you've changed alright."

"I am no longer an officer of the Air Force so I can call you anything I want and right now bastard is a good word for you!"

"That's insubordination and I can write you up for that Colonel or maybe I should bump you down to Captain again?"

"Don't you get it? I'm through, and I thought I was making the right choice but I don't know now."

"I thought you said you were through running Carter? Thought you said you were going to face everything head on? So what are you doing here it looks like your running away from your responsibilities to Air Force, the SGC, your friends and …"

She turned to look at me and I could see the fire burning in her eyes.

"And what Jack what were you going to say?"

I tried to turn around but she held my arm. I looked down at her and was upset. This was not the way I wanted to handle it but just being next to her and hearing what she had to say just pissed me off more.

She was holding her breath, I said dad.

She let me go and closed her eyes. She turned away.

"You haven't forgiven me have you? You still hold me responsible for everything that happened. I'm sorry if I hurt you with Pete and I wish you could see that. I know Kerry is a big part of your life now. I asked the General and he said you were still seeing her. I was doing this for you. I didn't think you wanted to have me around as a reminder of the mistake you almost made".

What did she say? Kerry us together were did she get that idea? Where did General Hammond get that idea? I was still puzzled and she started to walk away. I ran up to her and said what games was she playing now.

She was crying and said she was not playing any games, she thought she was over me but just seeing me and hearing that I was still with Kerry had been too much for her. She wanted no she needed to get away. She could not bear to work with me and Kerry at the SGC; it would be too painful.

"Jack, how did you do it? How did you work with me day in and day out knowing I was going to marry another man?"

I took her hand and said, "it was like having your heart twisted with a knife and dying everyday only to be revived and put through the same torture the next day. It was worse torture than Ba'al could ever give me. I was lonely knowing that I had lost my only chance at happiness. But the worse part about it was when you showed me the ring. That was the final nail in the coffin. I knew I had lost that day. I would not let you see the hurt I was feeling and I thought I did a good job of hiding my feelings. From that moment, I chose to close in on my love, as hard as the idea of it was. That is what it felt like."

She had wanted to know and I hope that I was not to graphic.

She tried to suppress the small cry but couldn't. She pulled me into her arms and kept whispering if she could she would have taken it all back that she would have never meant to hurt me like she did. That if she had known how I felt she would have done something to stop my pain.

I pulled back from her and she stiffen and let me go. She apologized and said she was sorry for asking me that.

I cupped her face and said, "Sam I'm the one that's sorry. Sorry for pushing you away, sorry for turning you away to another to fulfill your need for love. Sorry for not thinking of you first, sorry for not stopping this Paul thing before it got to the point it did. I'm sorry about Kerry, sorry for being angry at you for getting a life when I ordered you to do so. I'm sorry I could never say that I love you and not worry what the consequences would be."

Tears were streaming down her face. She said, "We're two sorry son's of bitches".

I let out a laugh and she started to giggle. I pulled her into my arms and held her tight.

She melted into me, it seemed so right. I wanted us to stay like this forever but I had to let her know about Kerry.

"Sam, I haven't seen Kerry since the night your father was brought to the hospital. She broke it off with me. She wanted me to come to her that night and when I didn't show she knew. She knew all along; she said I was holding back. I couldn't go the next step with her and she thought us going to the cabin would be the next step. I kept thinking of you. Sam you were always floating around in my mind."

Sam looked surprised, "you haven't been with Kerry since that night and you two never uh you know and all this time I've been imagining you with her at the cabin together. Jack you don't know how many nights I laid awake thinking of that and how I had lost my opportunity."

"You haven't lost me Sam, you're always with me here." I touched my heart. She placed her hand over mine and she said her too.

She smiled the smile I knew she only kept for me. I pulled her close and whispered.

"So you're coming back right? Everything is okay between us right?"

She nodded no.

"Carter I said I was sorry ah hell do you want me to get on my knees to beg you back I will but please it won't be a pretty sight."

She whispered no.

I looked away and asked why not.

She pulled my face to hers and she said, "because then I couldn't do this."

She kissed me so long and deep that my knees did buckle. I held onto her or I would have fallen.

Being so angry at her for thinking she was leaving me I had forgotten that with her no longer in the military we could finally get together. Wait a minute George knew I'd be here on the next plane out of Colorado Springs to demand she come back and so did Mark and Jacob. I'd been set up by all of them. I wondered if Sam knew.

She pulled back and whispered wow.

I gave her a goofy smile and said that wasn't anything wait till we were alone. She raised an eyebrow and said we are alone. I nodded no. I pointed to the house and she turned around the lights in two of the rooms were on and we could see the silhouettes of two figures.

Sam gasped, "dad and Mark oh my god they saw everything."

I pulled her towards me and said" well let's not disappoint them." She said" yeah let's not."


	5. chapter 5

Part 5

Awakenings

We knew we had an audience but that didn't stop me from finally getting what I've always wanted. I kept kissing him, afraid that each time I opened my eyes he'd disappear.

He saw the fear in my eyes and asked me what was I afraid of? I squeezed his hand and told him that I was afraid that if I closed my eyes and opened them I might not find him here with me, that if this was a dream I didn't want to wake up.

He pulled me against him and whispered in my ear that this was real, that he was here for me and that from now on, nothing would keep us apart. He pulled away from me and cupped my face.

"Samantha Carter, I love you. You are the only thing that makes sense in my life. Before you I lived a life in darkness, you are the light that saved me, and I am thankful that you found it in your heart to love me for who I am. I may not be perfect and I have the worse temper, patience isn't one of my forte; well…you know the rest but remember one thing: I will love you every day for the rest ofyour life. I will never let anyone or thing harm you."

I tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. I loved this man with my whole heart, after all that I had done to him he still wanted me. After running away from my feelings for him after hurting him with another he still loved me. He wanted me to overlook his flaws? Didn't he see my flaws? They were naked, in front of him, plain to see, all those mistakes I had made and he had fixed, just by being here with me. I was afraid he would come to his senses and tell me that it was too late. But I looked in his eyes and that was all I needed to do. His love for me shone in the windows of his soul, his eyes mirroring this bright light that engulfed me and made me feel what was in his heart.

My tears started to fall and I could see his love turn to concern.

"I'm sorry Carter, I shouldn't have sprung that on you like that, it's just that, oh damn I'm through making excuses for the way I feel for you. I almost lost you and I wont let that happen again, but if your having any doubts I'd understand. I'm not the easiest guy to get along with and if what I'm asking for is too much for you, I'll understand. Just please let me know before I fall anymore in love with you."

He let me go and I could see the turmoil in his face. I let him go and I saw him panic. I grabbed his hand and went down on one knee.

With tears streaming down my face, the surf hitting the beach behind him and the moon shining bright I said the words that I had been wanting to say.

"Jack O'Neill, you are not perfect but neither am I. I am so lucky to have found my soul mate as well as the man I would give my life for. You are the stars in my sky, the air I breath and the warmth of the sun I feel; you are my everything. I love you with so much emotion that it frightens me to think you would not return these feelings. So I'm asking; no; begging you to please complete me and consent to be my husband."

Jack was speechless and I was holding my breath. Oh my god what if he said no.

I waited and started to think it was a mistake to have done this to him here and now.

He came down onto his knees took me into his arms and clung to me. I felt him nuzzle my neck. I could feel the tears that were falling from his eyes. I pulled him closer, never wanting to let him go. I had let him see what was inside of me, I was as vulnerable and I waited to see if he would accept me like this, weak in his hands.

He pulled back and with the most ravishing smile he replied, "Oh hell yes!"

I squealed and pushed him down to the sand. I was straddling him, kissing him, my hands started to roam.

He grabbed my hands and nodded his head no.

"We have an audience Sam, come on; I don't want to give your dad anymore reasons to kill me."

"I just asked you to marry me you said yes and he's going to have to accept that we are together and if he can't…too bad. I am not giving you up ever again. You are stuck with me for better or worse; richer or poor; through sickness and through health."

"Yeah, are you sure you want to marry me and you are not going to retire. I will Sam; you have too much going for you and your still young and hey its time for me to go and...

"No. I already got it worked out. I'm going to retire and General Hammond said he'd talk to the President about hiring me on as a consultant. Jack, I love you being a General you deserve it. I want to start a family as soon as possible and I can't be going through the gate if I'm pregnant. No I'm retiring, not you okay? Its what I want to do. I'll be happy just as long as I have you to come home to."

Jack smiled, "a family, really Sam? I never thought, but I didn't want to wish for too much. So when do you want to start trying to get pregnant."

I got up grabbed a blanket and held out my hand to him. He took it and got up and we started to walk away from our audience.

I leaned into him and whispered, "No time like the present and I couldn't think of a better place to make love to you but on the beach with the waves in the background and under a full moon."

"Yes ma'am what ever you say; I'm putty in your hands."

I chuckled as we got to the spot I was looking for.

We spent all night there discovering each other and talking, making love.

We awoke and walked hand in hand back to the house.

Dad was asleep but Molly, Mark and the kids were up. We walked through the back door and I held Jack's hand. Molly tried to suppress a giggle and Mark was giving us his best impression of dad with his arms folded, a dark scowl on his face.

Mark was about to speak when I raised my hand and nodded my head no.

"I have some great news, I asked Jack to marry me and he said yes. We'll be getting married as soon as my retirement papers go through."

Molly gasped and then squealed; she ran up to me and pulled me into her arms, hugging me. She whispered in my ear, "I told you this would work out Sam; oh I am so happy you finally have found your peace. He's a good man Mark said so and so did dad. If he loves you as much as Mark loves me then you have nothing to worry about. Oh Sam I'm so happy for you."

Mark had pulled Jack into an embraced.

"Welcome to the family Jack; and if you ever hurt my sister, I'll kill you" Mark said with a straight face and Jack was taken aback. Molly let me go and I went up to Mark and smacked him in the stomach and threaten to tell Molly about the time he got in trouble for having a girl in his room.

Jack smiled and took my hand. Molly came up to my brother with her arms on her hips and scowled at him.

"Thanks Sammie; now I'm in the dog house, honey it was a long time before I met you. You know you're the love of my life. See Sam you've just opened up a can of worms and she wont give up till I tell her."

I started to laugh and leaned into Jack, whispered that Mark was in big trouble now. He smiled and the kids ran into the kitchen to see what all the noise being made was about.

"Mom what's going on? What did dad do to get you mad now? Why is Aunt Sam laughing?"

Molly turned to the kids and smiled and said that mommy was not mad at daddy and that we were all going into town so that daddy could buy that pretty charm bracelet that mommy had seen at the jewelry store. She then brought them to Jack.

"Alex, Sandy I want you to meet an important person to both your grandpa and especially to your Aunt Sam. This is General Jack O'Neill; and Aunt Sam has some wonderful news to share with you."

I looked at my niece and nephew and said, "your mom is right, Jack is an important person to me and he's gonna be your new uncle as soon as we get married."

Sandy threw herself at me and begged to be a flower girl and Alex came to stand next to me had his head down. I saw that he was quiet and pulled up his chin and asked him what was wrong.

"You said I was the new man in your life and I promised that I would not let anyone hurt you; that I was your protector. But now you're leaving me?"

I had forgotten the talk Alex and I had had the first week we came to the house. He had snuck up on me at the beach crying. I was still vulnerable after all that had happen in Colorado and in a moment of weakness had pulled him into my arms, he'd held me and soothed my wounded soul.

Jack heard what Alex said and came down to his level.

"Alex, you don't know me but I want to thank you. You kept Sam safe for me and I could never show you how much that means to me. But if you're willing, could I be a back up protector? You know when you're not around and Sam needs another man in her life? I'll do this only if your okay with it?"

I heard the exchange and nearly cried. We all came to stand around Alex and Jack and waited for his answer.

He took a deep breath and said, "Do you promise to take good care of her? That you will never hurt her? To love her as much as we all do, because if she doesn't know it she needs a protector and I think you could do the job but if I find out you didn't do a good job then I'm gonna have to find a replacement."

Mark laughed as did Jack.

"Out of the mouths of babes" I heard Molly murmur as she picked up her son and gave him a hug.

I pulled him out of Molly's arms and whispered that Jack wouldn't disappoint him that he was a good guy. Alex looked over at Jack talking to Sandy and nodded.

"Grandpa said he was and so did dad I think I like him too but he's still got to prove to me that he's the right guy for you."

I hugged him and said he was.

Dad came into the kitchen and asked what was all the noise, where was breakfast? Molly went to get dad a cup of coffee.

Jack started to pale and Alex took his hand, pulling him over to dad.

"Well Uncle Jack, don't you have to tell Grandpa Jacob something."

Mark smirked and came to sit next to dad.

"Ah yeah Uncle Jack don't you have some news to drop on the old man".

Jack had the deer in the headlight look. He kept opening his mouth and closing it. Molly came over and nudge me.

"You better go save that man of yours Sam. I don't think he's taken a breath of air since Jacob came into the kitchen"

I walked up to Jack and whispered "breathe."

He snapped out of his stupor and I took his hand.

Dad saw this exchange and looked around the table. We were all staring at him.

"What? do I have morning breath or something hanging from my nose? Or is somebody gonna tell me what's going on. Jack it seems that you have some big secret to say; so say it."

Sandy went over and sat on dad's lap, leaned into him and whispered she had a secret.

Jack nudged me in the side, I looked at him and he whispered, 'hey you asked me to marry you and telling your dad falls into the whole telling thing".

I rolled my eyes, leaned into him and whispered coward.

He squeezed my hand.

Dad asked Sandy what was her secret she was about to tell when I blurted out that I had asked Jack to marry him and he had said yes.

I didn't know whether dad was happy or surprised or I don't know.

He was smiling and that was bad. He asked Molly if she could take the kids to the other room or better yet get them dressed so we could go out for breakfast. That was worse he didn't want any witnesses. He waited till they were upstairs before he exploded.

"Married! Sam you asked him to marry you? I !! When did you to decided to get married you've haven't…

"Jack O'Neill ! Is there another reason my daughter asked you to marry her because if she's pregnant by you and this is the only way she can have you I should tear you limb from limb"

Mark started to laugh, which only made dad angrier.

"Was there something going on between you two while you were working together? I love you both but I wont tolerate you breaking the rules. Well Jack say something."

Jack looked at dad and said, "No Jacob, nothing and I repeat nothing ever happen while Sam was working with me. I have respect for the rules and regulations, they are there for a reason and we never did anything to embarrass us or the program. I don't know how to tell you this but you've been blind to the love I hold for your daughter. It was bigger than both of us and now that we can be together we're taking that chance. I'm sorry if I'm not the man you wished for your daughter but remember Jake, she asked me to marry her and I am never going to give her up. She's my life and future. Please Jake don't make Sam regret doing something I would have done probably today."

He put his arm around my shoulder and we waited to see what dad would say.

We could tell he was talking to Selmac the way he nodded his head and rolled his eyes. He finally stopped and got up.

He came around the table and pulled us both into a hug and whispered, "I'm happy really I am, its just a little shocking to go to sleep with a daughter and wake up with another son."

Mark gave a whoop and pulled me into an embrace. He whispered he was happy for me and that he wished all my dreams would come true. I looked at Jack and said they already had. My life had a future and it included the man that had awakened my heart with his honesty and ability to show me what true love was. All I ever needed or would ever want was next to me and it would never be taken away.


	6. chapter 6 last part

Awakening

Epilogue

It had been a long day at the office and all Jack O'Neill wanted to do was come home, take off his shoes, relax on his couch and spend time with his family.

Family. Just the word made him smile.

He thanked his lucky stars for making it possible. It had been three years since he had almost blown his chance at happiness. Thinking how he almost had lost that chance to be were he was now, with the woman he loved, made him drive a little faster, wanting to see her face to reassure him that it was real and not a dream, that this life was his.

He pulled up to his driveway and saw that the lights were still on. He smiled, turned off his truck and walked quickly to the door. Sam had waited up for him and he was going to take advantage of their precious time together.

When he opened the door he expected to see his very pregnant wife waddle towards him and give him a kiss. Instead it was his rambunctious daughter Amanda Clarissa O'Neill that let out a squeal and ran towards him almost knocking him over.

He picked her up, held her over his head and brought her down to give her a kiss. She had latched on to his neck and started to kiss his cheek, whispering in his ear that she was so happy that he was home so now she had someone to play with.

He looked over his daughter's shoulder and saw his exhausted wife come into the room. He looked at the clock and noticed that it was 2 hours past her bedtime.

"Young lady why aren't you in bed? It's two hours past your bedtime and by the looks of it you've given your mommy a bad time. So why aren't you sleepy and don't tell me that you were waiting for me because I talked to you earlier when you were visiting Uncle Daniel's and told you I might not be home tonight, that I would see you tomorrow afternoon so we could go to the zoo."

She looked at him with those blue eyes and smiled.

"Daddy I love you, I miss you and I wanted to see you. I knew you'd come home tonight. I'm sorry for not being a good girl but now that you're here I'll behave I promise cross my heart"

Sam rolled her eyes and said, "She gets that from you, not me, and remind me to K – I –L-L Daniel next time I see him. He let her nap longer than she should have and then filled her with cake and ice cream before dropping her off. She's been bouncing off the walls since she's got here. I was at the end of my rope and I was about to call you for help".

Hewalked over to Sam and gave her a kiss, leading her to the couch. He sat down, tried to sit Mandy between them. She was still clinging to his neck and she got comfortable in his lap.

Sam leaned in and let out a yawn. She asked me if I could take over, she was about to collapse, and her back and feet were killing her.

"This child of yours is going to be the death of me, and the one on the way is no help, he hears her and starts to kick, letting me know he wants out. I swear this kid is going to come out running. Remind me how much longer I have to waddle around and look like a beached whale."

Jacklooked at her and took her hand. "Honey did I hear you right you said he? So this week it's a he?"

"I did say he didn't I."

Hesmiled and kissed her cheek and said the kids werehis children only when they acted out and were hers when they were well behaved.

She snorted and closed her eyes. Even tired she was beautiful. Mandy started to act up wanting her father's full attention and Jack came up with a plan to benefitthem all.

"Sam honey, I've got an idea. Why don't I draw you a bath and you can soak in it for as long as you want and I'll put Mandy to bed and afterwards…."

Sam turned, looked at me and smiled. "Think you might get lucky tonight flyboy? Chances are slim to none the way I'm feeling right now."

Mandy started to giggle. "Mommy called daddy flyboy. Daddy what's a flyboy?'

Sam asked with a smirk on her face, "Yeah daddy, what's a flyboy?"

Hestood up with Mandy inhis arms and started towards the bathroom.He told Mandy hewould explain to her when she was bedded down.They went into the bathroom to draw Sam's bath andhe had her helppour Sam's bath oils thatthey knew she liked. Jack remindedMandy tobrush her teeth and get ready for bed. Of course, brushing her teeth had become a threering circus, she was having a balllinger longer then usual.

Sam walked in wearing her robe and nothing else. The bath was almost ready and she smiled at me.

Hepicked up Mandy, went up to Sam and she gave her a kiss and a hug, telling her good night. He put her down, told her to go to her room and pick out a book sotheycould reada story. She said no, that she wantedhim to tell her one ofhis ventures that had mommy, Uncle T, Uncle Daniel and Grandpa Jacob.

Jacksmiled and said okay but she had better be under the covers whenhe got to her room or no story.

She ran to her room and left Sam andhim alone in the bathroom.He took Sam intohis arms and she kissed me.

"You're too good to me Jack; that's why I love you so much."

Jacksmirked and said, "So it isn't for my boyish looks and my pension?"

She laughed and started to take off her robe. She let it dropped andhe was speechless. As long ashe livedhe would never get tired of seeing Sam,his wife naked and her being pregnant again was just a plus.

In a way, she'd never been more attractive, the pregnancy was making her more beautiful. She glowed and even if she said she was fat and awkwardhe secretlyloved her this way.He placedhis hand on her stomach and it still amazedhim that theywere going to be parents again. She put her hand overhis andhe looked up to see her looking at mehim.

Hewas about to give her a kiss whenMandy yell out that she was ready and where was he.

Heshrugged my shoulders and started out the door. Sam whispered to hurry back, she'd save a place forhim in the tub.

He did his best Arnold impressionation and said He'd be back to wash her back and her neck and anything else she needed help with. She got in and leaned back and closed her eyes,whispered to takehis time andthe bath felt wonderful.

Mandy yelled out again andJack rolledhis eyes, walking out mumbling that she was getting as bossy as her mother.

Heheard Sam giggle andturned around.He was a lucky man but stopped when once again thoughts about the ifs that had dangledin their lives those last years. What ifhe had never gone after her in San Diego, what if she had married Pete instead.

Heshookhis head, and tried to forget those dark ideas, what counted was here and now,he was married to the most wonderful woman,he had a beautiful little girl, and a new baby was coming to bringthem more joy.

Jackwalked back into the bathroomand sat next to her in the tub and took her hand.Sam wasstartled she looked intohis eyes and knew whathe was thinking.

Hiseyes were the windows tohis soul, she always would tell him.He could never hide anything from her. All she had to do was look to know whathe was thinking

She caressedhis cheek and said she was here and that askinghim to marry her was one of the best things she's ever done. That thanks tofriends and family they were safe and together.

She kissed him softly and Jackthanked her for her reassurance.He got up before Mandy called out again. Beforehe got to the doorhe turned and asked Sam.

"If you could change our past would you?"

Hewaited to see how she would answer.

"The pain of us being apart for so long would be one thing I'd change and not being able to tell you how I felt and the heartache I put you through those things I wish I could take back. I wanted to retire. I wanted us. I wanted a family and now I have it. Not a day goes by that I don't thank god that we're here today together. No Jack that is one thing I do not regret or ever will. I have you and Mandy; that's all that matters to me, and we have another child on the way. I would have retired a long time ago if I knew this was what I would have to look forward to."

A tear escape from Sam's eye.He told herthey were lucky to have survived all the turmoil and grief inthier lives. Thathe pinchhimself sometimes to make sure it wasreal and right beforehe'd wake up each morning hereached out to make sure she was there and that this was not a dream.

Theydived into each other's eyes. Out of time. Just theirtwo souls, linked. No words were needed. They just knew. Despite allour fears,and all their doubts,they knew thatthey had done the right thing,

Samwas right, there was nothing to regret. Some things are meant to be.

DADDY!!! Mandy screamed.

Hewas snapped out ofhis stupor, blew Sam a kiss and walked intohis daughter's room wherehe would tell her the story of how her mommy and daddy met, ended up falling in love and lived happily ever after.

Thank you for all the reviews and for reading I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I did writing this story.


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